Till She Sees Him Again
by TotallyFake
Summary: What if Evan was a girl? What if Zoe was a boy? What if Evan not only did know Connor but they were in love with each other? WARNING! Strong themes of suicide, self harm, language, and sexual assault. Extremely out of character on Zoe's part.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey musical lovers! I have an idea. Tell me what you think! It's also worth mentioning that these aren't the same characters we know and love. They behave differently, have different motivations and have been affected by different stories. They are Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy and Zoe Murphy, and so on, but they are different people in terms of maturity, and personality, if that makes sense. Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

"Evan, Evan, are you awake?"

Evan heard her mother in the doorway and looked up to see light flooding into her room.

"Mom," Evan asked as she sat up in bed. She flinched as she felt her back crack. "What are you still doing here?"

Evan's mom came into the room and sat on the girl's bed. She was wearing her scrubs for work. Wasn't it a Saturday? She should have the day off.

"I'm taking some overtime today," Heidi muttered slowly to her daughter, gauging the teen's reaction. Evan sighed. She was used to this. She didn't let her mom see her disappointment. Instead, she smiled.

"Okay, mom," Evan replied happily, "stay safe!"

Heidi breathed a sigh of relief.

"I will, have fun today," Heidi bid farewell as she left the room. Once she had closed the door, Evan wrapped her arms around her knees and sighed. She shouldn't expect anything less. But she had been so looking forward to having a day with her mom.

Evan's phone buzzed and lit up on her bedside table. Her eyebrow raised, she was curious who would text her at this time of day.

She pushed a strand of her mousy brown hair behind her ear as she leaned over to pick her phone up. Her long hair fell in her face as she moved so she grabbed the hair tie that never left her wrist and put her hair up.

"Why I keep it so long, I will never know," Evan muttered distainfully as she finally reached her phone and unlocked the device.

She smiled when she saw who the message was from.

"I shouldn't have expected any less," she laughed a little. Her only friend had texted her. He was on his way to pick her up and was telling her to use Jared as an excuse.

Evan replied that her mom wasn't home. He told her to get ready quick, he would be there soon and he had something he wanted to show her.

Evan hopped out of bed quickly and ran around trying to get ready as fast as she could.

Evangaline "Evan" Hansen was a sixteen year old girl going into her sophomore year. She had long light brown hair that extended to her lower back and light freckles on her face. Some people would call her beautiful if they were aware of her. But they weren't.

She also had social anxiety and depression. Her one friend, her best friend, was her escape. She never told her mom about him, or her therapist. Her mom wouldn't get it and her therapist would judge her.

Evan brushed out her hair, letting it fall down to her back before putting a little ponytail up in the back. She didn't know where they were going and he said he wanted to show her something. He always did like it when she dressed nice. So she put on a black skirt and her favourite white shirt. Her only pair of shoes, black hightops, finished outfit.

She checked her phone to see what his location was. Just as her phone screen awakened, there was a honk from the car outside. Evan raced through the house, grabbing her keys on the way. She locked the front door and then walked to the car.

It was nice out, warm and not too cool for six in the morning with a gentle breeze. Evan loved it. She got into the car on the passenger's side and buckled up immediately.

"That can't be my best friend," the driver teased as he messed with his shoulder length brown hair and adjusted his black hoodie. "My best friend hasn't worn a skirt in years."

"Very funny, Connor," Evan smirked back as Connor put the car into reverse and began backing out of her driveway. "Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise," Connor told Evan and she just playfully rolled her eyes. The sixteen year old boy next to her was her best friend, Connor Murphy. He was the rebellious one in his family and one day while skipping school all the way back in middle school, he met Evan. She had been sick but she still went out to buy her mom some throat medicine. It was that selflessness that drew him to her. He had just been trying to get his hands on some medicine to get high off of. Instead, he got high on her company.

They each were friendless, Connor was thought of as a freak drug addict while no one knew Evan existed. But Connor wanted to keep their relationship as friends secret because he knew that if they were seen together at school, Evan would finally get attention, just not the right kind.

So these weekends, after school time, and their occasional secret sleepovers were all they had.

"Hey, are you hungry," Connor asked as he made a turn onto a road Evan had never seen before. "I'm going to stop at this icecream place."

Evan looked out the window and saw they were approaching a little shop that looked to have a drive thru and an outside seating area. At the top of the building she saw the words "Al a Mode"

"I don't have any money," Evan whined, "you should have told me, Connor."

"Relax Pipsqueak," Evan raised an eyebrow at the name, she would never get used to it, "I can pay for you. What are best friends for, right?"

Evan wasn't about to complain. After all, she loved ice cream. Connor ordered some sort of sundae and she got vanilla on a cone. It took about thirty minutes of driving after they finished their icecream for them to get where they were going. It looked like the middle of nowhere.

When Evan stepped out of the car she took a look around, trying to locate any trace of other people. They were on a dirt road surrounded by high oak trees with small wood fences lining the road. The fences looked old, worn, and abandoned.

"Did you bring me out here to murder me," Evan asked Connor with a little bit of sarcaism. Connor closed his car door and rolled his eyes before walking over to her.

"Yes, my best and only friend, Evan. Out of all of the people in this world I could murder, it is totally you!"

With his last words of "you" he grabbed her sides suddenly causing her to squeal.

"Stop it, you Stupidhead," Evan squeaked as he began to tickle her.

"Make me," the teenage boy challenged as he brought his body closer to Evan's, wrapping his arms around her waist, picking her up all while continuing to rub her sides.

"You give me no choice," Evan wheezed out through her laughter. She attacked her friend's stomach with her own fingers, causing him to drop her and collapse. The girl landed firmly on her feet, Connor couldn't say the same.

"Ow, that hurt," Connor mumbled as he rubbed his butt where he fell on it. "Okay enough playing around. I have something to show you."

He stood and took Evan's hand, sending shocks down her body. He pulled her toward the fence and hopped it himself before gesturing for her to do the same. Evan slowly climbed over it, being careful not to hurt herself. When she was on the other side, Connor took her once again and led her slowly through the trees. It was sort of dark, after all, the sun was barely out.

"Where are you taking me," Evan couldn't help but wonder aloud.

"It's a surprise," Connor told her once again.

"You know," Evan grumbled as she tripped on a stick, "I'm getting real tired of hearing that."

Connor just laughed, but it was a nice laugh, the kind that made everyone instantly like the person laughing. Evan knew that if Connor chose to let other people see this side of him, he would make so many friends and people wouldn't avoid him and gossip about him. But for some reason, he stayed shut off from everyone at their school and his family.

Evan only wanted the best for him, so much so that she would give up their friendship if it meant people would start being nice to Connor.

"Cover your eyes," Connor whispered as he stepped behind Evan and put his hands over her face.

"Connor-" Evan began in exasperation but was cut off.

"Sshh. Trust me," he said gently next to her ear. She couldn't help the little shudder of pleasure when she felt his breath hot on the side of her face. "Now take a step forward."

Evan did as he said. She felt herself moving through some leaves and suddenly the ground beneath her seemed to change. It wasn't hard dirt and debri anymore. It felt softer.

Connor suddenly removed his hands and Evan blinked her eyes open. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. An open field with gorgeous green grass that looked almost orange in the rising sun light. There were apple trees surrounding the whole field and some in the middle. The area was so big Evan couldn't see to the other side.

It was so beautiful.

"My parents used to take me here with my brother," Connor told Evan as he came to stand beside her. "But that was before they stopped caring."

Connor went silent and looked to Evan. He seemed to be scanning her face for some sort of approval.

"I love it," Evan told him as she flung her arms around his neck and jumped up to hug him. He, in turn, wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his head in her hair. He felt relieved he could share something like this with her without judgement or criticism.

Evan pulled away from him, looking him up and down.

"You know, you really will overheat in that hoodie," Evan informed, her small motherly instinct kicking in. This would only happen with Connor, she would never have the courage to say something like that to anyone else.

"Nah, I'll be fine," Connor assured her as he brushed some hair out of his face. He then grabbed her hand and started running through the field, all while yelling some song lyrics. Evan couldn't help but giggle at his antics.

He let go of her hand, causing her to go stumbling forward, as he ran on to do a cartwheel or two. Evan couldn't tell since she landed face first in the dirt. She crawled over to where he had landed on his back in the ground. His arms were spread wide and his chest was heaving.

"You don't run much, do you," Evan teased as she came to sit next to him.

"What, and you do," Connor fired back while turning to lay on his side, watching her. By this time, she had noticed some flowers growing nearby and had picked some, beginning to braid them into a crown. "You, know," Connor began, "sometimes I forget you're a girl"

That surprised Evan. She knew that her personality wasn't like that of most girls but she certainly had the body of one. Now Evan wasn't one to brag, but she knew she was definitely more well endowed than other girls. Not to mention, she had a very girly face and the longest hair of anyone in their grade, probably in the school. Big boobs and long hair, how she didn't get noticed was beyond her.

"That's a little rude, don't you think, Connor?"

The boy shrugged, "it's the truth."

Evan finished her flower crown, fully aware of the fact that Connor was still watching her very intently.

"And done," she exclaimed before carefully placing the crown on his head. He pouted as she did so but he stopped squirming as she adjusted his hair to frame his face along with the ring of flowers. "You look simply beau-"

But Evan couln't even finish her sentence as Connor jumped up and kissed her. Right on the mouth, real quick and it was done in seconds. Evan squealed and jumped back at the speed of light.

"What the hell was that for?!"

Connor at this point was laughing his ass off and rolling around in the grass. He may have been laughing but Evan was freaking out What the hell was this?! Did he like her? No, he couldn't. But why else would he kiss her? And why was Evan so happy? She wanted to walk over to him and do it again. What was the feeling she had in her chest?

"Don't worry, Pipsqueak," Connor's voice brought an end to her thinking, "I just wanted to try something. No feelings attatched, I promise."

He stood up, back turned to Evan and he began to stretch. "Now I gotta show you the pond," he said, still completely unaware of Evan sitting in the grass behind him, not moving an inch. "There are the most cool fish and frogs swimming around in there!"

It was at that moment that Connor heard a small sniffle behind him. He turned sharply, the flower crown almost falling off his head. Evan was hunched over in the same spot but her face was hidden. However, Connor could undoubtedly see tears on the lower half of her face.

"Pipsqueak! Hey, Evan!"

He ran over to her and crouched down, cupping her face in his hands. He started desperately trying to wipe her tears with his hands. He didn't understand emotions, especially girl ones.

"Evangeline! Look at me, what's wrong? Please talk to me!"

And then he got it.

"I'm so sorry I kissed you. I didn't realize that it would upset you. It was a dumb joke and I promise I'll never do it again."

Evan could feel him wrapping his arms tight around her in assurance. She wanted to tell him something. But how could she? There was no way she could know how he'd react. She could just keep her mouth shut, stop crying and move on and everything would be fine. She wouldn't have to risk pain or humiliation. But this was her best friend. And maybe...just maybe.

"Connor... " she leaned away and looked him in the eye, "were you really joking? Because..."

She took a huge breath, on the verge of tears from fear alone.

"Because I'd be fine if you weren't. Joking that is." A pause. "You know what, nevermind! I'm sorry for being so dumb, I have no idea what I'm saying. You know, it's suddenly really hot out here so we should head to that pond."

At this point, Evan was away from Connor, palms and forehead a sweating mess, and moving in one general direction. She hoped to everything that Connor would just let it go.

"So which way are we-"

But Evan was once again cut off by Connor grabbing her waist and spinning her around to hug him.

"It wasn't a joke," was all he said as he hugged her tighter. Evan breathed in his smell and hugged him right back.

And right then, she wished that moment would last for forever.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm liking where my thoughts are taking me. Let's see where else they lead.**

* * *

_Evan was shaking. She was so close to crying. She looked down at her cast and the six capital letters that stained it. She didn't know what was going on but all she knew was that it involved Connor. She hadn't seen him in days. He had been so upset and his face..._

_Her palms were sweaty..._

_No. Not now. She breathed in and pushed open the principal's door. Two people were sitting in the office next to the desk. Evan quickly recognized them as Connor's parents. He had shown her a picture of them after..._

_His dad was oddly stiff and solemn, not at all like the cool man Evan had imagined him to be. And his mom. She looked destroyed. Evan had never seen such a sad sight._

_"Good morning," Evan muttered, pulling at her collared shirt. "Is Mr. Howard here? Sorry, I was...I was called down..."_

_Both of them seemed suddenly shocked._

_ "You're Evan?"_

_The girl in question nodded at Mr. Murphy's question, suddenly feeling embarrassed and ashamed of her own name._

_"Sorry," Mr. Murphy continued, "we expected well... um, Mr. Howard stepped out. We wanted to speak with you privately."_

_He gestured for Evan to sit and she did so quickly with a hushed apology. _

_"We're Connor's parents."_

_Of course Evan knew that but all she could say was 'oh'. The teenager blanked out as she watched the two adults talk to each other, not even listening to what they actually said. What was going on? Had Connor reported her? She just wanted to talk to him. She missed him and she wanted to apologise for what she did. She didn't want them to be apart. _

_"Connor wanted you to have this," Mrs. Murphy's words snapped Evan back into the real world. She recognised the paper being offered to her. Her throat caught. She couldn't cry even if she wanted to. She took the sheet, her hands shaking and her breathing ragged._

_"He gave this to you to give to me? Can I talk to him please," Evan looked up at the two. Her speaking up was so unprecedented in a situation like this but she was desperate. She needed to see Connor._

_The Murphys looked at each other, sad and tired._

_"Connor took his own life."_

_Evan felt her heart stop. There was a ringing now. She heard Mr. Murphy continue about the fact that they didn't think Connor had any friends. But she didn't register any of it. Dead? There wasn't any way. He killed himself? She half expected him to walk through the door, hug her from behind and tell her it was all a joke. He had a sense of humor like that. But she knew he wouldn't._

_"We didn't expect Connor to be friends with a girl. He never showed any interest in girls. His letter even talks about, a sort of...guy that Connor was...interested in...but if he was friends with you...were you two...Evan?"_

_The girl shook her head, lying, without looking up from the paper._

_"Just friends," she managed to mumble._

_She couldn't tell them the truth. _

_Because it was her fault._

* * *

Evan giggled as she got back into Connor's car. They had been running around the orchard, hand in hand the entire time. They had tried to catch fish in the pond and Connor had told her more about his family. He told her about the time he and his brother had flown planes and crashed them into that very pond.

Connor got in at the driver's side and closed his door. They were each buckled in but he didn't start the car.

"What are we now," Connor asked slowly and carefully. He seemed to be picking his words carefully. Evan knew him to be emotional, he would make decisions quickly and say whatever was on his mind without thinking. To see him think so much was rare.

"Well we're not just friends anymore," Evan pointed out quietly.

"I've liked you for the longest time. I never thought you would even remotely feel the same. So what now?"

Evan turned and smiled at him. She took his hand over the center console and patted his arm.

"I never thought anyone like you would like me either. You and I can be an 'us'. Nothing would make me happier!"

Connor smiled at her, rubbing the back of her hand.

"What do you say, Pipsqueak," he raised his right pinky, "you wanna be an 'us'?"

Evan smiled and wrapped her pinky around his.

"Us."

They laughed, Connor turned on his car and they began the drive home.

"Guess this means I get to call you my girlfriend now."

"Yes. You absolutely can."

* * *

_Walking back to class was painful. No one knew yet. And who could she tell? Jared and Alana were the only people she'd talked to this year so far besides Conner. And Zach...But that was only one time after...that was the last day she'd seen Conner._

_Her stomach churned. It was lunch time but she couldn't eat._

_She saw Jared turn a corner. This was her chance. She didn't want to yell his name and attract attention so she sped up her walking until she could tap his back._

_"What do you want?" _

_Evan ignored his tone and skipped straight to the point._

_"I really need to talk to someone."_

_She didn't know if it was her urgency or obvious upset appearance, or possibly Jared felt especially gracious at the moment but he agreed without complaint. _

_"Connor Murphy killed himself."_

_Jared was shocked. It was pretty clear he hadn't seen that coming. Well neither had Evan._

_"His parents came to tell me," Evan continued, rubbing her forehead. _

_"Why you?"_

_"They found one of my therapy letters in his pocket and they thought it was his suicide note addressed to me."_

_"So they think you were his friend? And that his last words were to you? Man, you're fucked."_

_Evan sighed and looked around._

_"I was his friend."_

_At this, Jared was even more shocked. That was truly the most unlikely thing he'd heard in a long time._

_"Connor Murphy. The Connor Murphy who threw a printer at Ms. G in the second grade was friends with you? Meek little Evangeline Hansen? I don't buy it."_

_Evan started shaking. She didn't need this right now. _

_"Believe it or not. But I don't know what to do. He was my only real...friend. He meant a lot to me and I don't know what I should do without him! The Murphys want me to go to their house and I don't know what to tell them, what I shouldn't tell them. There's too much that Connor didn't want them knowing."_

_"Just do what I do," Jared suggested, awkwardly putting a hand on Evan's shoulder. "Nod and confirm. It's foolproof."_

_Evan gave a weak half smile and nodded._

_"Good," Jared mumbled. "Keep your head up."_

_And with that he walked away, presumably to class. Evan sighed. The hall was empty. And just like that, she broke down. She slammed her back into the locker behind her and slid to the ground. She pulled her knees to her chest and cried into them._

_He was gone._

_And there was nothing she could do._

_..._

_Going home was the hardest part. She knew her mom would probably be there. For once. The one day she really didn't want to talk to her mom was the day she was there._

_"How was your first week of school," Heidi asked as she sat next to Evan on the bed._

_"It was fine," Evan mumbled, fiddling with the cast on her arm. Heidi cleared her throat, pulling some papers seemingly out of thin air._

_"I found these scholarship essays you could do! You know, to help pay for college! There are a million you could try. You've always been such a great writer, much better than me. With these you can get into a good college. It'll be so good for you, sweetheart."_

_Evan nodded. She knew her mom had always been concerned about money and college. She wanted Evan to live the life she couldn't. _

_The teenager herself had never put much thought into college. She knew it was coming and it scared her. But she'd always had Connor to help her relax. _

_"I'll look into it, mom," Evan assured her mother. However as she said this, she set all the essay topics aside and moved them to her bedside table. Right beside her medicine. _

_"Right," Heidi muttered. She looked so uncomfortable and Evan could tell something was on her mind. She really, really hoped it didn't have anything to do with school. "So, I got an email from your school today," Evan felt her stomach drop. "There was a boy who um...killed himself. Connor Murphy. I had no idea. Were you two close? Do you want to talk about it?"_

_Evan did not. She did not want her mother pitying her and sending her to more therapy sessions. She never felt like she could talk to her mom anyway. So she shook her head quickly._

_"I didn't really know him," Evan said slowly. She felt awful for saying that about Connor. _

_She felt Heidi glare at her for a bit, obviously expecting something._

_"Your cast. It says 'Connor'." _

_Evan cursed under her breath._

_"It's...a different Connor."_

_Heidi let out a loud sigh of releif._

_"Oh thank God! I was so worried!"_

_The mother's demeanor suddenly brightened and she bid her daughter farewell and she went to go make some dinner._

_Evan found no comfort in her mother's joy. She eyed the scholarship essays. She had no clue what she wanted to do. She was a senior now. She would always ask Connor for help with calming her nerves when her mom brought up college._

* * *

"What's this, Pipsqueak," Connor asked as he flopped on her bed. Evan rushed to take the papers out of his hands.

"Um, some college programs my mom thinks would be good for me."

Evan stuffed them in a drawer and then turned back to Connor who was smiling at her.

"Yeah, my parents have a shit ton of money stuffed away for me somewhere for college. I don't think I'm going to do it though."

Evan raised an eyebrow at him as she sat beside him. College had never not been an option. It was all her mom talked about and it was like it was something she had to do. If not college, then what else?

"Well what are you going to do then," Evan asked, watching Connor recline on her bed and relax.

"I've considered a lot of things. I think it'd be fun to run my own place. I could have my own little tattoo shop or something. Maybe I could pierce peoples' ears or something too."

"Do you even know how to work any of that stuff," Evan asked as she laid on her side next to him. Connor laughed.

"No. I just think it's all super cool. Besides, look at me," he chuckled, moving his head to look at her while gesturing to himself, "do I look like the kind of guy who would work anywhere but a tattoo shop."

Evan laughed and looked him up and down.

"Maybe you could do something else if you cut your hair," she teased.

Connor's eyes widened and he feigned pain.

"How could you do this to me?!"

He continued to bring his hood over his head and tighten the strings so only tuffs of hair stuck out the corners. They both laughed and Connor grabbed Evan's waist playfully and pulled her on top of him.

Evan giggled before undoing his hood to find a pouting Connor face.

"You're so adorable," Evan mumbled while pushing his hair out of his face.

"Thanks. Don't worry about college, okay Pipsqueak? You're smart and you can do anything. You still have a year left to figure all that stuff out."

Evan sighed and laid her head down on his chest.

"Thanks Connor."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter three! Here we go!**

* * *

_Evan wiped her palms on her khakis. Her hands were soaked. She stood outside the Murphy's house. She'd been standing there for a few minutes, not wanting to knock on the door. She used to come here every Friday night. Zach had jazz band, Mr. Murphy would coach Little League at the local elementary school, and Mrs. Murphy would go out with her girl friends. _

_Evan knew the insides and outs of this house. She could navigate through the kitchen to make a proper meal, knew where everyone's room was, where books and objects kept, even where Zach hid his pornos. Connor had been especially eager to show her that last one. _

_This place was practically her second home. But she couldn't go in. Because one thing was different. Now, she'd be confronted with the inhabitants of the house, all of them knowing nothing about her history in this house. And she didn't have Connor beside her._

_She finally gathered the courage to knock. It was a quiet one and when no one responded immediately, she was forced to knock louder. She heard people moving inside, and she fiddled with her cast and shirt nervously._

_Mrs. Murphy answered._

_"Hello, Evan! Come in, please!" _

_She seemed nervous too. Nervous and sad. But Mrs. Murphy was still a good hostess and it seemed like she wouldn't let her emotions get in the way._

_Cynthia led Evan through the house and into the dining room. Evan had never seen the table the way it was. It was made up with a fancy tablecloth and covered with homemade food._

_"Our neighbors have been gracious enough to deliver all sorts of food," Cynthia began speaking nervously as she undid a crease in the tablecloth and pulled out a chair for Evan. "We don't know what to do with all of it."_

_"Eat it perhaps."_

_Larry's voice came from the stairs and Evan turned to see coming down, Zach trailing behind him. They both sat on opposite sides of the table, Larry beginning to eat immediately and Zach slouching down as if to hide himself._

_Evan sat awkwardly through dinner. She ate what she could stomach, scared that they would judge her for not eating more. But when she looked around at the rest of the family, they were barely eating too._

_"This is good," Mr. Murphy muttered, trying to break the ice._

_"You're the only one with an appetite," Mrs. Murphy shot back quietly._

_"The Harrises brought it over," Larry continued, ignoring Cynthia's comment. She seemed to get an idea from that, turning to Evan._

_"Did Connor ever mention the Harrises? We used to go skiing with them."_

_Evan remembered the name. Connor would have to go on said ski trips and he always complained about it. Evan used to think it would be fun. 'Only if you were there' Connor would say. _

_Evan nodded._

_"Connor loved skiing," Cynthia continued. Evan didn't have it in her to contradict._

_"Connor hated skiing," Zach spoke, for the first time. "Who knows why, it's not like he had anything better to do." _

_Evan knew that was wrong. Connor expressed often that he always had something much better to do. But Evan wasn't going to speak up. There was a reason Connor didn't tell his family about him and her._

_"So, you guys...hung out a lot," Cynthia asked. It was clear that she didn't want to hear anything her son had to say. All her attention was on Evan._

_"Yeah," Evan told her. When the silence dragged on, Evan was forced to elaborate. "Connor and I hung out almost every day."_

_"Where," Zach asked distainfully. _

_"What? You mean like where did we hang out?" No answer from Zach, just a glare that bore right through Evan. "Well, mostly my house. Sometimes we would come to his house...if no one was home. We'd text and email if we couldn't hang out-"_

_"We looked through his emails and texts," Zach interrupted, "none of them were from you."_

_Evan wanted to fire back that the fact that you looked through them was the reason Connor had deleted them. But of course she couldn't say that. She didn't have the confidence to. And if she just said he "deleted them", would they think that she was lying? That it was too convenient?_

_"He...um...had a second email account."_

_"I told you he knew that you looked through his emails," Cynthia hissed at Larry. He just rolled his eyes and kept his mouth shut._

_"Now the wierd thing is," Zach continued, leaning forward as if he was questioning a criminal, "the only time I saw you and my brother at school was when he shoved you last week."_

_Evan flinched. She didn't want to be reminded of that. That was by far the worst day of her life. That was the last day she'd seen Connor._

_"He shoved you," Cynthia demanded in a loud, shocked voice._

_"It wasn't a shove," Evan leaped to end this before it became a big thing._

_Zach interrupted once again, however, "yeah it was, I saw it happen."_

_"He shoved me because he didn't want us talking at school," Evan said meekly, fidgeting with her collar. This was a whole truth._

_"Why?!"_

_"He didn't want people knowing we were friends-"_

_"Cause you're a loser."_

_That wasn't why. That was nowhere near why. But Evan didn't want Zach questioning anymore. It was starting to drain her energy. She wasn't made for this type of thing._

_"That wasn't very nice, Zach," Cynthia scolded._

_"Well Connor wasn't nice."_

_Evan felt herself freeze. What? What did he just say? She felt herself become a calm type of angry._

_"Zach, please, not in front of the guest," Larry cut in._

_"Don't act like you don't agree with me! Connor was an awful evil person! There were no good things-"_

_"I remember lots of good things about Connor," Evan spoke out, the loudest she'd been so far around these people, her eyes glued to her lap. Her free hand firmly gripped her cast, as if it were her source of strength. Her palms were practically an ocean at this point._

_"Like what," Zach hissed out. Evan lifted her head and looked him dead in the eyes. _

_"I always had a good time with Connor." The confusion on Zach's face satisfied her. He didn't know Connor. None of them did. Only she knew. And that urged her to keep going. Her favourite memory of Connor..._

_"My favourite memory with him was when he took me to this apple orchard. Old and abandoned," Evan saw the recognition from the family. "We got ice cream. I had no clue where we were going. But when we got there, it was the most beautiful place in the world. We laughed and sang songs and he taught me how to do a cartwheel. I made him a flower crown, and he wore it the whole time and that was when he..." _

_Evan cut herself off. She was about to say "kissed me". She felt a lump catch in her throat. Their first kiss. She felt tears well. She wished she could go back to that day._

_"And he told me that he was so happy to be there again."_

_She never forgot that day. It pained her to taint the memory of it by lying. But Connor didn't want his family to know. If he had died without telling them, it wasn't her business to tell. _

_Besides. If that day had never happened, would Connor still be alive?_

* * *

Her mom had been gone all day and she didn't expect to be back until the next day. It was around this time that Connor would pull up in his car and come in for a sleep over after leaving his house without his parents' consent. Evan would have twenty dollars and Connor would order pizza for them. Evan couldn't do it herself.

They would eat happily in the dining room, providing each other the family experience the other didn't have. They would laugh and tell each other about their days.

After dinner, they would watch a movie or two, whatever they felt like. Then it would be time for bed. They would either sleep on the couch together or share Evan's small bed. They would do this even before they started going out, they just slept closer now.

But today wasn't like that. Evan was alone tonight like she was before Connor. He was at a ski resort with his family and their neighbors, the Harrises.

So Evan sat alone on the couch, not watching anything and too scared to order food. She sighed. She never got scared of being alone all night. She did it too much to. But she still felt lonely.

Connor went on ski vacations all the time. That's what happens when your boyfriend's family and all their neighbors are super rich.

She felt her phone buzz once.

Probably just her mom texting her.

Then it buzzed again, followed by the ringtone for a call. No one called her. Ever. She checked the number and she almost dropped the phone trying to get it to her ear quickly.

"Hello?!"

"There's my favourite Pipsqueak," a familiar voice came through the line.

"Connor?!"

"The one and only. Miss me, Evan?"

She laughed a bit before moving her hair out of her face.

"Of course I do. What are you doing? Aren't you worried your family will catch you?"

There was a scoff.

"Nah. They're all sleeping. I got out and found a balcony in this hotel place. I got to tell you, Evan, skiing sucks."

Evan rolled her eyes playfully even though he couldn't see it.

"Of course you would think so. I for one think it could be fun."

"Don't tell me you're going to start dragging me along too," Connor groaned. Evan could practically see him dramatically move his hair out of his face. She got up and started walking around her house.

"I'm too poor to do that," she deadpanned while climbing up to lay on a kitchen counter.

"Well then I'll take you."

"No! No! It's okay, you don't have to do that," she began rambling as she sat up quickly.

"Hey, I want to. It sure would be better than doing it with the stupid Harrises. Then I'd be with you!"

Evan smiled and began walking around again. She could feel her face turning red.

"Alright then."

"Have you eaten," Connor asked, however Evan was sure he already knew the answer.

"I can't. I'd have to call and then talk to someone at the door and wait while they make change and decide what the tip would be in a matter of seconds, and then I'd have to deal with their silent judgement over the size of the tip and-"

"Hey! Calm down," he spoke softly to her. Evan breathed in and out. "Can you find something in your house? You can't not eat."

Evan didn't have to look through the fridge or the cabinets to know the answer.

"Mom hasn't been grocery shopping in weeks. She's too busy with classes."

"Evan..."

"It's fine! I can eat tomorrow at school! Will you be back by then?"

"Hopefully. If I am, I better see you eating."

Evan smiled a bit.

"I hope you are here tomorrow. I missed you yesterday, and Friday too."

"Yeah. And Zach wonders why I'm such a bitch about going skiing. We always go on the worst days. Remember the time when we went during Halloween weekend? That was the first year we didn't go trick or treating together. Zach thought I was being a baby. Little shit."

Evan chuckled. They always went trick or treating together. They would drive to a neighborhood in the next county so they wouldn't know anyone. They never got tired of the weird looks from adults.

"Yeah I remember. We have this year though!"

"Yo! We should totally do a costume together! Like a couples thing!"

"Um excuse me, I was talking to Connor Murphy a few seconds now and I'd like him back."

"No I'm serious! It would be a lot of fun!"

Evan yawned. She was getting tired.

"Okay, we'll see. October is still a long time from now."

"You need to go to bed. You're tired, I can tell."

"No I'm fine!"

"Evan. Sleep."

"Alright, you win."

Evan made her way to her room and started changing into sleepwear.

"Changing your clothes, huh," Connor teased from the phone on the dresser, "you usually make me leave the room for that."

"There's a reason," Evan grumbled as she laid down on her bed, turning off her lights on the way down.

"Good night Connor. I'll see you tomorrow!"

"Goodnight, Pipsqueak. Sleep tight."


	4. Chapter 4

**Shall we continue? What do you think so far?**

* * *

_"What do I do Jared?!"_

_"You know they probably think you guys were banging, right?"_

_Evan couldn't believe what she was hearing. She started pacing in front of him. They were in an empty hallway after school. She had no one else to talk to about what was going on. She didn't even dare tell him the insane amount of pain she was in or the fact that she and Connor were actually together. _

_"Why would they think that," Evan mumbled._

_"You were best friends but he wouldn't let you guys talk at school? And when you tried to, he shoved you to the ground in front of the whole school. Not to mention, guys and girls can't be as close as you claim you two were without messing around a little. Bam. Secret lovers."_

_"We weren't secret lovers! We were just all we had."_

_"I don't even get why you're worried. I mean, it's not like you weren't friends. You're not lyimg about anything or keeping anything huge from them."_

_"Except I am."_

_Jared crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow._

_"And why in the world would you do that?! You're just making it harder on yourself!"_

_"There were a lot of things Connor kept from the world. It's none of my business to tell them that if he didn't even want me to while he was alive. Besides, it also involves me. There's a lot of things I don't want them knowing about me," Evan told him nervously as she came to a stop in front of him. She fiddled with the cast and scratched at Connor's writing._

_She didn't want to tell Jared that she had been with Connor. That was hers. She couldn't tell anyone. They would realize eventually what she had done._

_"What did you tell them," Jared asked._

_"I told them about some time we spent together. I did make up one lie."_

_"Which is," Jared grumbled._

_"I told them he had a second email account. I really didn't want to tell them that he deleted our emails because he didn't trust them."_

_"A second email account that his parents don't know about," Jared implied. Evan didn't get it. "God, you're so innocent. They probably think he had a second email account so he could send you pictures of his penis or something."_

_"You actually disgust me," Evan groaned. "You'd probably be suprised to know that Connor found the idea of nudes disgusting."_

_"They're going to want to see your emails."_

_"No way," Evan replied without even thinking. _

_"Why not?! Just give them what they want and this will all be over!" _

_"But those emails are personal!"_

_And they were. Evan and Connor talked too much about her therapy and his bad habits. There was no way she could let his parents see any of that. Evan began biting her nails. Another nervous habit of hers._

_"I can do emails," Jared mumbled. _

_"You would do that," Evan asked, looking up at him. "Thank you so much! We can go do them in the school computer room."_

_Jared groaned as he began to follow her._

_"You know, I was going to charge you but I don't think I want to."_

_..._

_"Okay! So what did he call you?"_

_"Pi- Evan. Evan Hansen is fine."_

_Jared was sitting at a desktop in the computer room and Evan was behind him, looking down at the screen. She was so grateful for this. She didn't know why Jared was helping her but at that moment she didn't care. She was too worried about what she was going to show Connor's parents. _

_They wanted assurance that their son was more than what they thought he was. But she couldn't give that to them without showing them way more than what they bargained for. Connor, her Connor, was raw. What he showed her, was what he truly was. And sometimes that was an adorable emo baby, and other times that was a bundle of fucked up._

_"Okay, here we go," Jared cracked his knuckles as he started typing._

**_Dear Evan Hansen,_**

**_We've been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy, we need to talk more. But honestly, I have something I need to tell you. I touch my dick to you every night!_**

_"Why would you write that?!"_

_"I mean, am I wrong," Jared laughed._

_"Yes, actually. Can we at least try to make these realistic," Evan asked as she grabbed a rolling chair from next to him and sat down._

_"There is nothing unrealistic about the very obvious sexual emotions he had for you."_

_"Let me do it," Evan mumbled as he moved aside and she pushed her chair in front of the computer._

**_But honestly, things have been pretty hard._**

_"Hard?"_

**_pretty bad_**

_"Bad?" _

**_pretty rough!_**

_"Yeah, like that's going to make them think you aren't banging."_

**_And I miss talking to you all the time. I have no one to talk to about stuff. My parents can be okay but they're just always on my back about stuff. They're cracking down on me about drugs. I've been trying to get better and I'm working to turn it around, just like you told me._**

**_Sincerely, Me._**

_"Okay and now we do one from you" Jared said as he pressed enter on the previous email. Evan thought for a second. She really watered down what Connor said to her. If it were the real Connor, drugs would be mentioned a bit more, sex would've been brought up at least twice, and his parents would have gotten a whole paragraph about how much he hated them. _

_But Evan didn't think they wanted that._

_"What would you say back to him?"_

**_Dear Connor Murphy,_**

**_Yeah, I miss you too. I'm proud of you for working with your drug problems. You'll be better in no time. Maybe we should go for a hike sometime! Or maybe the apple orchard again. I liked it there so much! _**

**_Sincerely, Me._**

**_P.S. Your brother is sexy_**

"_What the hell?"_

_"Oh come on! You can't tell me you never had a thing for either Connor or Zach Murphy."_

* * *

"You know, I heard some girls talking about your brother earlier," Evan mentioned as she licked at her vanilla cone. They were sitting on the roof of Connor's car outside Al la Mode in the evening, watching the setting sun.

"All girls talk about my brother. Let me guess, he's super hot, passionate and emotional," Connor sarcastically shot back.

"Sexy, passionate and emotional, actually."

Connor rolled his eyes as he finished his fudge sundae, set it down and pulled Evan to his side, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. He kissed the top of her head before moving his eyes back to the sunset.

"Everyone likes my brother."

"I don't," Evan pointed out.

"Yeah, you better not. You have me!"

"Yup, and you're all I need," Evan told him after finishing her ice cream. She licked her fingers before turning to kiss Connor.

"Plus," Evan said as they seperated, "I don't date younger guys."

Connor was quiet for a moment.

"Do you think he's attractive?"

Evan paused. She thought for a minute. Zach was taller than Connor, with short well kept hair. He was the kind of guy who worked out but wasn't the most in shape. From what she saw, Zach was smart and he had lots of friends and all of the girls viewed him as hot property.

"I guess he could be considered attractive. But he's too boring. His hair is just like everyone else's and he's just a smart popular kid."

Connor shrugged, not satisfied with the answer.

"You're better. You're hot _and_ fun."

She saw his cheeks turn a really bright shade of red.

"Oh my! The great Connor Murphy is blushing," Evan joked loudly, throwing her arms into the air. "This has never happened before! All because of-"

Connor playfully grabbed her and dragged her down to lay on the car roof, his body towering over her.

"You keep on like that, and I'm gonna screw you right here and now," he laughed. His joke caused Evan to start laughing hysterically. Their laughter died down and Connor laid down beside her, turning to face her.

"You know, you're a pretty great girlfriend too... You're really pretty and smart...and when you laugh, your nose crinkles and it's adorable. And I can be myself with you. I don't have to put on my tough guy act or whatever."

Evan turned to be on her side and she rested her forehead against his. He kissed her nose softly. She smiled a bit before leaning in to kiss him.

They didn't kiss a whole lot, but when they did it was perfect, absolutely amazing. Evan wasn't a very physical person but she knew Connor was so she always tried to fufill his needs. And it wasn't exactly awful for her.

They had been dating for almost a year now. They started going out the summer before their sophmore year, now they were in the beginning of their junior year. It was safe to say they'd be together for a bit.

They had done...stuff before. Sort of sexual stuff. They'd kissed each other in places and he'd seen her without a shirt on and she'd given him hickeys. But they'd never done anything else. And right now, she wanted to. And she enjoyed Connor. Like really enjoyed him. So she held her breath and made a decision.

"Hey, Connor, is your family home?"

"He gave her a confused look.

"No, why?"

"Well, maybe...we can go to your house?"

* * *

_"Yo, Evan? Are you dying or something? Do you need a paper bag to breathe into?"_

_Evan shook her head violently._

_"What? Sorry."_

_"Well anyway, I was saying, I can keep making more if you need them, just say the word, alright," Jared told her as they exited the school, a stack of printed papers in Evan's arms, being craddled like a child._

_"Thanks so much, Jared. I just hope this is enough for the Murphy's. I don't like lying to them."_

_"Then don't. Tell them the truth. That their beloved son was a huge asshole who hated them so much he didn't even leave them a suicide note."_

_"I could never do that!"_

_Jared laughed a little, walking toward where his car was parked._

_"Quite noble of you. Though I think anyone else, especially Connor would have told them by now."_

_"But that's the thing," Evan called back to Jared as he got further away, "he didn't." _

_Jared left in his car and Evan began the walk to her own. She had gotten it at the start of last summer. She had been so proud and happy and she loved driving Connor around. Driving was no fun now. It was a pain in the ass with her cast on. It only got in the way._

_She sat in the drivers seat and rolled down the windows to enjoy the cool air without turning on the actual vehicle. She didn't want to leave just yet. Making up that stuff about Connor in those emails, it wasn't easy. She threw the papers in question into the back seat, not wanting to look at them. She felt herself begin to tear up and eventually cry. She had to make sure no one could see her first. This wasn't supposed to happen. Why did she let this happen?_

_"So when did you start hanging out with Jared?"_

_Evan jumped in her seat, startled by the voice and then turned around to face whoever had broken into her car. Her heart stopped and her eyes widened when she saw who it actually was._

_"Connor?!"_

_It was indeed him, dressed exactly as he was the last time she saw him. Her boyfriend, Connor Murphy, was sitting in the backseat of her 2009 Toyota Corolla. Except there was one problem. He was dead._

_"Connor?! But you're..."_

_"Dead? Yeah I know." He pulled himself over the center console to sit in the passenger seat."You really think I'd leave you alone for that long? I can't just sit back and watch you suffer though."_

_He went to reach for her face but then thought better of it. _

_"So you finally met my folks. Do you want to strangle yourself yet?"_

_Evan was in total shock, unable to say anything. She finally forced herself to calm down enough to choke something out. _

_"Are you real? Is this really you? Or am I crazy," she asked while wiping her stray tears away._

_"Do you actually want me to answer that," Connor asked and Evan agreed he was right. She shook her head 'no'. _

_"All you need to know is that even like this, I still love you. I'm me. Definitely not whatever this crap is," he deadpanned as he reached for the fake emails. "'Dear Evan Hansen', okay when have I ever used your last name to address you?"_

_Evan chuckled a little bit, a single tear coming down her cheek._

_"'Dear Evan Hansen, how's it hanging? I've been looking for some weed recently, you happen to have any'. Okay who's idea was this? Jared's? Because I haven't done weeds in a couple of months."_

_Evan began to think of the last time she spoke to Connor. It had involved drugs. She felt her breathing stop and her heartbeat quicken when she remembered the last conversation she had with Connor. _

_"Connor, did you-"_

_"Oh here's a good one! 'Dear Evan Hansen, how's your friend Amy? Is she still hot? Maybe you coud hook us up'. Nice try Jared, I only have eyes for Evan!"_

_"Connor!"_

_With her sudden exclamation, the dead teenager turned to look at his girlfriend in the driver's seat. She was crying harder than before._

_"Connor, did you kill yourself because of me?"_

_There was a silence._

_"Evan, you can't expect me to answer that," Connor said slowly, quietly._

_"Yes I can. I need to know!"_

_Her breathing was ragged and she was crying so hard that her face was turning red. She felt the tears falling onto her hands. Connor seemed to think for a moment and then he looked up at her sadly._

_"If you aren't telling my parents the whole truth, then you already know the answer to that question."_

_Evan closed her eyes and bent her head over, bringing her hands to her face. She felt a warmness around her but when she looked up at Connor, he wasn't touching her. She breathed in sharply._

_"I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry."_

_"I know."_

_There were no words to express the despair, the regret, the guilt that Evan felt. She could feel herself being consumed by it. He was gone and she was at fault. There were no magic phrases she could say or big red buttons she could press that would change the things she had done._

_"Please forgive me."_

_When she finished crying, Connor was gone. She knew he'd be back._

_But for now, she just started the ignition and drove home._


	5. Chapter 5

**Welcome back to another fantastic chapter! We're so glad to have you! Please enjoy!**

* * *

_Evan breathed softly, standing in awkward silence as she watched Mr. and Mrs. Murphy read the emails that she and Jared had faked and printed. Larry eventually looked up at her._

_"You can sit," he said gesturing to a seat and then going back to reading over Cynthia's shoulder. Evan did so and waited another five minutes as the Murphy's read._

_"It's so hard to read these," Cynthia mumbled. "It doesn't sound like Connor. Our Connor, anyway."_

_Evan knew just as well that it didn't sound like Connor at all. But it would satisfy the Murphys a lot more than "Hey, my life sucks, I hate my family and I'm killing myself because of you, the only girl I've ever loved"._

_She flinched as she remembered her conversation with Connor the previous day._

_"I don't remember the last time, he laughed, Larry," Cynthia mumbled with a smile. Larry chuckled a little too, gently touching her shoulder. They really did love their son. _

_"Neither do I. But you guys," he directed this thought towards Evan, "you guys laughed a lot?"_

_"We laughed all the time. Connor was the more outgoing one, he made me laugh a lot more than I made him laugh. But we'd laugh at and with each other."_

_Cynthia and Larry nodded silently, seemingly a sad sort of happy nod._

_"You have more of these?"_

_Evan nodded slowly, hating herself for doing so. She didn't want to bother Jared again._

_"We would love to see them."_

_Evan sighed and nodded once more. It was silent for a few more seconds before there was the sound of the front door being opened and closed. Zach walked in, stopping when he saw Evan._

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"Zach," Cynthia exclaimed happily, "look at what Evangeline brought us! Emails from your brother!"_

_"How was your first day back," Larry asked his son. Zach rolled his eyes at the man, turning away from them to set his bag on the dining room table just feet away._

_"Terrific," he said dryly. "Everyone 'just feels for me'. They 'totally know what I'm going through' and they'll 'always be here for me'. Everyone wants to be my friend 'cause I'm the dead kid's sibling."_

_"I should probably go," Evan said, feeling sick at the blatant mention of Connor's death. Zach really just didn't care. He didn't even know Connor._

_"You're not going to stay for dinner," Cynthia asked form behind the teenage girl. "I can whip something up and you can tell us more about Connor, or how school is going for you?"_

_"No, it's fine, thank you," Evan said politely, turnig to face the family. "I had plans with my mom," she lied through her teeth._

_"Some other night then."_

_Evan exited the house, closing the door behind her and taking a moment to breathe fresh air and calm her nerves. She could hear raised voices coming from the house. Zach was screaming._

_"Just because Connor isn't around trying to break into my room screaming that he's going to kill me for no damn reason does not make us the fucking Brady Bunch!"_

_"I never did that, you know," Connor mumbled beside her. He sounded pissed. Evan made her way towards her car, ready to get as far away from that house as possible._

_"Well obviously he seems to think so."_

_"I don't remember doing anything like that. That seems like something I would remember. Or something I would tell you about. We may have physically destroyed each other on multiple occassions but I never threatened to kill him."_

_"Zach probably thinks you were high," Evan chuckled sarcastically as she unlocked her door and got in. Connor was already buckled up in the passenger seat._

_"I was always high to him. The first day of high school, they all thought I was high, but I wasn't."_

_"Just tired," Evan mumbled as he told her._

_"Yeah, I remember. Mrs. Patterson thought you were high too_."

_"She did, didn't she."_

_Evan sighed and rubbed her forehead._

_"Why don't we stop talking about that day? I would give anything to erase it."_

_"You know what, me too. Do you remember that one day that Zach came home early?"_

_Evan chuckled. She did indeed remember._

_"Was that before or after we had already-"_

_"After," Connor cut her off. "We just hadn't been doing it that particular day."_

* * *

Connor kissed Evan's forehead, they were cuddling in his bed. They had been laying like this for about thirty minutes, just enjoying each other's company. Larry was at work, Cynthia was out with her friends, and Zach had band practiice. They were free to relax with no one finding out.

Well that was what they thought.

"I'll be right back," Connor mumbled to Evan. "I'm going to get changed."

He pushed himself out of bed and grabbed his black pajama pants and a tank top off a nearby chair. He was walking towards the door, presumably the upstairs bathroom.

"You know you can just change in here, right," Evan smiled playfully. Connor looked back at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh my, Evangeline Hansen. Naughty aren't we?"

Evan rolled her eyes.

"No, I'm just saving you a walk."

Connor laughed as he set his clothes down and pulled up his shirt, getting ready to change. He kept watching Evan but she held his gaze.

"You're so hot when you do that you know."

Connor abandoned the idea of changing, leaving his shirt off as he joined Evan on the bed, kissing her mouth. She pulled away from him.

"Who's naughty now?"

"Shut up," he teased back as he kissed her again. She ran her hands through his hair, feeling his hands going for her waist.

A door slam.

"Connor?!"

The couple on the bed froze.

"No fucking way," Connor mumbled. They heard footsteps coming up the stairs, almost to the door. "Hide," Connor whispered to Evan as he leapt for the door, making it there with seconds to spare. He opened it and closed it behind him, coming face to face with Zach.

"What are you doing here?"

"It's my house dumbass. I need to talk to you," Zach eyed his brother. "Why are you not wearing a shirt?"

"Cause I was changing my clothes when you so rudely happened to come home."

"Well band practice was cancelled and I had to give you something."

"What?"

Zach punched Connor ight across the cheek. Connor barely flinched, it didn't hurt at all.

"You were talking to my girlfriend today during lunch! She broke up with me because she said you threatened her."

"I did not," Connor defended, knowing it was no use. People used him as an excuse to not be around Zach all the time. Girls were always breaking up with Zach because "Connor threatened them". When in reality they were just dating him to say they had. Zach was that kind of popular. The girls were bitches and honestly Connor felt bad for his brother, hence the reason he let him punch him. Connor could have him on the ground easily.

"Yes you did?! Who do you think I'm going to believe? Her or my druggie brother?"

"Just go to your room, kid," Connor told Zach quietly. "I won't bother you."

Zach huffed in disgust before doing as his elder brother said, slamming the door and locking it. Seconds later, Connor could hear the sound of Zach's guitar. He sighed. He felt Evan pushing at the other side of the door. He opened it and she came to stand beside him. He slung his arm over her shoulder and she leaned against his bare chest.

"Poor kid," she mumbled quietly to Connor, eyes locked on Zach's door.

"Yeah, he always ends up with the wrong people," Connor agreed, both of them listening to Zach sing sadly. "I still hate him though," Connor muttered. "Come on, let's get you home."

Connor got his shirt back on, and got Evan to the front door safely.

"I'm going out," he yelled into the house, doubting Zach would care.

* * *

_Evan lay awake a few mornings later. The Murphys expected her for dinner this evening. It was a Saturday so she had all day to be nervous. She didn't want to go back to that house. They would expect more emails and more Connor facts. Evan didn't want to give it to them. _

_She heard her phone buzzing and she just ignored it. It buzzed again. Not a text. A call. Who would be calling her? The only people who did so were her mom and...well, just her mom now._

_She rolled over in bed to check it._

_"Alana Beck?"_

_She remembered when Alana had asked for her number freshman year. Alana had never used Evan's number, except when she texted every contact on her phone to let them know about awards she was recieving or charities she was doing and that they should show up. She never referred to any of them by name._

_Evan was curious, which she regretted later._

_"Hello?"_

_"Evangaline-"_

_"Evan's fine."_

_"Evan. It's Alana How are you? Is everything fine?"_

_"Fine, thanks..." Evan muttered as she rolled onto her back, pushing her hair out of her face._

_"Everyone is talking about you and Connor. How you were best friends. We all figured it out from your cast," Evan eyed the thing. Damn this stupid cast. "We're all talking about how brave you've been these last few weeks."_

_"Really," Evan said, feeling sick. This was scsry for multiple reasons. The big one being, "everyone"? As in all the people at schoolwere talking about her? She was always fine with being the person no one noticed. And now she was being shoved into the spotlight. The thought of people looking at her, talking about her, it terrified her. What if someone tried to talk to her and she couldn't think of a way to respond?! What if multiple people tried talking to her at the same time?!_

_Alana brought her out of her thoughts. And just in time too_

_"Of course! Anyone in your position would be devastated. Dana P. cried so hard she pulled a muscle in her face yesterday."_

_"Dana P. didn't even know Connor," Evan snapped, clearing her throat afterwards. "Sorry."_

_"No need to apologize, I'm sure you're stressed. But anyway she was crying because now she'll never get the chance to know Connor. You know, he's really bringing the school together? People who I've never talked to before are talking to me now because they know how much he meant to me! I actually started a blog about Connor if you're interested in taking a look at it."_

_"Were you friends with Connor too," Evan asked, pretending like she didn't already know the answer._

_"Acquaintances. Close Acquaintances."_

_Sure. You had one class with Connor where you shared a few words. Connor told Evan about his project with Alana. He found her talking annoying at times but he was just glad that it meant he didn't have to talk back. He had told Evan that Alana wasn't his favourite person but she definitely wasn't the worst._

_"You know," Alana started, "I think a part of me always knew you were friends. I mean you did a good job hiding it but, it was just some sort of chemistry that was there, you know?"_

_Evan heard knocking at her door._

_"I got to go," Evan mumbled to Alana. _

_"Alright! See you Monday."_

_Evan hung up as her mom walked in._

_"Who was that," Heidi asked._

_"Telemarketer," Evan replied quietly._

_"Well, alrighty then, I'm heading out."_

_Evan watched her go. Not reminding her of a promise she had made a few weeks ago to look at scholarship essays with her. She didn't want her mom feeling guilty she forgot. _

_Her mom always forgot._

_"Oh wait! Are you good on refills," Heidi asked. Evan eyed her meds._

_She had gotten a refill the day after the last time she saw Connor._

_"Yeah," Evan mumbled, not taking her eyes off those damned pills._

_"Good! Alrighty then, I'm heading out. I love you."_

_"Love you too," Evan mumbled quietly._

_Her eyes stayed glued to the pills. She coud hear the echos of voices._

"Here you go!"

"How could you do this to me?"

"Good-bye, Evan."

_Evan grabbed her head, rubbing her cheek against her cool cast._

_"Stop it," she muttered, hearing old words echo in her head. They were getting louder and louder._

_"Stop it!"_

_The voices were screaming now. Over and over._

"You want to die?!"

_"STOP IT!"_

_She flung her arms out, knocking her bottles of pills onto her bed. She glared at them and then flung them all against her bedroom door, as she screamed and cried. She watched the last one break and spill pills all over her floor._

_She buried her head into her knees, crying into the blanket draped over them._

_The voices were gone now. _

_Connor didn't show up at all that day._


	6. Chapter 6

**Ready for another chapter? We get to "If I Could Tell Her" today! Please enjoy!**

**Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR EVAN HANSEN!**

* * *

_Cynthia had suggested going to Connor's room. Why had she listened? Evan stood frozen in the doorway, looking at everything. She was still hearing voices like earlier, but now they were better voices. She was hearing conversations that she and Connor had. They were better than the screaming from earlier but she still felt pain in her heart._

_She walked past Connor's bookshelf, remembering the time he read "To Kill A Mockingbird" to her. That had been during one of their sleepovers. Everyone had been home that night, but they never knew Evan was there. That was before they had started dating._

_She looked at his desk and chair, just as messy as it always was. He had piled all of his dirty clothes on it, insisting that he might need them for later in the week. His black hoodie was there. He had only ever let her borrow that hoodie once. She gave it back to him for his own sake, he had felt so out of his element._

"You look like a scared dog!"

"Yeah, yeah, just give it back."

"Here you go."

_Evan chuckled._

_Her eyes finally landed on the bed. She could hear heavy breathing in the back of her mind. Loud breathing coming from both her and Connor._

"Well, maybe...we can go to your house?"_  
_

"Are you sure?"

"I love you."

_All out of order, all jumbled up, but she remembered that night very well. That had been the night. It was after that when she decided she would be with Connor forever._

_"Now look at us," she muttered to herself, to Connor, as she rested her casted arm on the bed._

_"Why are you talking to yourself in my brother's room?"_

_Evan looked up, caught by surprise, to see Zach, glaring at him with distrust. "Don't your parents get upset when you're here every night?"_

_"Well...I'm not...it's not like I'm here every night."_

_"Just the last two in a row," Zach grumbled as he moved to sit on Connor's bed, seemingly to push Evan away from it._

_"Well, it's just my mom and she works most nights, or she has class."_

_"Class? For what," Zach asked. Evan stopped for a moment. He seemed to be actually interested in knowing._

_"Legal stuff," the high school senior answered simply while moving to look at one of Connor's posters. Green Day. Evan had seen it a hundred times._

_"Where's your dad?"_

_"Colorado." Another simple answer. Evan didn't want to give her life sob story to Zach. She'd already given it to Connor._

_"Why?" Of course Zach went there. But when Evan looked at him, his eyebrows were furrowed with concern. What?_

_"He moved away when I was seven."_

_"My parents can't stand each other," Zach offered as a sort of consolation. "They fight all the time."_

_"Well, everyone's parents fight," Evan muttered as she sat on the opposite side of the bed. She wanted to be closer to the connor Murphy smell. She laid down on the bed, on her back. Screw whatever Zach thought.  
_

_"Yeah but my dad is in total denial. He didn't even cry at Connor's funeral."_

_Evan hadn't even gone. She felt like she didn't deserve to. She knew it was happening but instead she sat in her bed alone and cried the entire time._

_"Everyone grieves in their own way."_

_"He just didn't greive."_

_Evan sighed. There was no pleasing this guy._

_"Gluten-free lasagna for dinner," Evan spoke up, changing the subject. "Sounds.."_

_"Inedible?"_

_Jesus! Why so negative, Zach? And Evan thought Connor could be difficult._

_"You're lucky your mom cooks," the teenage girl scoffed. "My mom and I just order pizza most nights."_

_"You're lucky you get pizza."_

_Evan sat up slowly. Hold up, what? Evan and Connor had pizza all the time in this house._

_"Your mom doesn't let you eat pizza?"_

_"Well I guess we can now. Mom was Buddhist last year so we weren't allowed to eat animal products. She gets into all sorts of stuff, now it's whatever basically."_

_Evan remembered Connor telling her about that. He thought it was ridiculous. It would be like Connor to smuggle pizza in just to piss his mom off. Evan chuckled a bit._

_"It's cool your mom is into so much stuff," Evan mumbled quietly, remembering how ticked off Connor always was because of it._

_"She's not. She's rich, unemployed and bored."_

_"Well it's better to be rich than poor," Evan said, repeating words she'd always har her mother say. She wasn't even really thinking about or listening to Zach anymore, she was too focused on memories with Connor._

_"Well you've probably never been rich," Zach scoffed._

_"Yeah, and you've never been poor."_

_The silence that followed snapped Evan back into reality and made her realize what she'd just said._

_"Oh my God, I am so sorry-"_

_Zach started laughing, loudly. It rattled Evan. She didn't like the sound of it. It was... scary._

_"I didn't think you were capable of being not nice."_

_Evan rolled her eyes and watched him buckle over in laughter._

_"You know, you're pretty cool."_

_Evan turned to look at him, confused. Why would he say that? Five minutes ago he didn't trust her at all. And now because she said something kind of rude that he really deserved he was all into her? _

_He had stopped laughing. He inched closer to her. She didn't feel comfortable at all. She scooched away but he continued to move closer._

_"Were you really friends with my brother?"_

_Heavy topic change and way to ruin the mood. Evan could hear voices in her head again, but she ignored them, forcing them to shut up. The voices mixed with the crawling of her skin from Zach looking at her made her start to panic. She tried to control her breathing._

_"Yeah. I was."_

_"And you two weren't together or anything?" _

_Fuck yeah they were. And in fact, Zach was sitting on the very spot where they-_

_"No, we weren't."_

_Zach leaned onto his side, supporting himself on his forearm._

_"Did Connor ever talk about me?"_

_How could she say no? He was probably looking for some shred of hope, some sign that his brother cared and wasn't only a person that was shackled to him by blood. Oh how wrong she was._

_"Yeah."_

_"What did he say?"_

_"Well," Evan prayed for Connor to forgive her, "he thought it was really cool how you could just talk to anyone you wanted and make friends without hesitation. He envied that about you."_

_"Did he say anything about how we treated each other?"_

_Oh boy. He was really digging. Evan could see Connor ranting about his asshole brother. She could hear him getting punched. And she remembered the times when she would have to bandage Connor's knuckles because he and his brother had really gotten into it._

_They didn't like each other, plain and simple._

_And Evan had never liked Zach. There was a lump in her throat as he moved his hand toward her leg. She was really scared now. Her palms were sweaty and she had to stop herself from trembling._

_"He always said that he hated what you two had become."_

_"Did he say anything negative about me?"_

_Evan could hear the echoing of Connor's screaming about his brother, it was always so loud._

_"Connor was a very private person."_

_Zach seemed to smile. That wasn't the reaction she expected.  
_

_"I just wanted to make sure that Connor wasn't telling a pretty girl like you any bad things about me."_

_Whoa what?! He grabbed her thigh and kissed her harshly. Then he got up and left._

_"Dinner's ready guys," Cynthia called from downstairs. Evan let her body shake, and then her body was wracked with sobs but no tears came up. Her head felt light and her breathing was shaky. _

_Who knows how long she'd been like that before she eventually got up and to the table and went to dinner. She thanked God Zach wasn't there._

* * *

"You wanna go on a trip today?"

Evan was taken by surprise. They were in his car after school, driving to her house when he had said that.

"To where?"

"Anywhere. Like when was the last time you went to the mall? Or the beach?Or just anywhere that's not my house, your house, or school."

When, Evan couldn't answer, Connor took that as an answer.

"You know what, we wanted to dress up for Halloween together this year right? Let's go Halloween shopping."

Connor then made an illegal U-turn to go in the opposite direction, toward the mall, Evan presumed.

"Connor, it's August."

"So? We can figure something out."

Evan laughed.

"Connor you're insane."

"Anything to keep you out of that prison you call a home. When I graduate, you're moving in with me. I don't care if I have to kidnap you."

Connor was startled to feel his free hand be taken by Evan and kissed.

"Thank you."

* * *

_"He did what?!"_

_Connor and Jared both spoke at the same time. Evan was video chatting with Jared, telling him about what had happened the previous day with Zach and Connor got so pissed he just showed up._

_"That's...what he did..."_

_"I'm surprised he isn't more upset," Jared confessed. "I mean his brother just died and he's hitting on you."_

_"Well he's a guy. They don't get upset," Connor made an 'oh really' look. "Usually. Plus, he and Connor hated each other. They would get into fist fights that they couldn't explain to their parent. Usually, Connor was the one who suffered."_

_"That's an understatement," Connor grumbled as he crossed his arms at the foot of Evan's bed, looking to the ground and thinking._

_"Well, Zach is in the market for a new girlfriend, and you are hot."_

_Evan and Connor both snapped their eyes up to Jared._

_"From a completely unbiased standpoint. I got an Israeli girlfriend, remember?"_

_Evan chuckled. Yeah, she remembered._

_"But doing that to you? That has to count as like sexual assault. We should call the police."_

_That was the last thing Evan wanted. She started panicking again, she could feel her throat closing._

_"No. I'll juat ignore him," Evan choked out. "He'll find another girl."_

_"If that's what you want. But anyway, next order of business, do you mind wearing one of these bad boys around?"_

_Jared held up a button with Connor Murphy's face on it. _

_"What is that?"_

_"Exactly what it looks like. A button with Connor Murphy's face on it. I'm selling them at lunch tomorrow."_

_This got Connor's attention. He came around the bed to look at the laptop, Evan moved to give him room to see but Jared had already moved it away from the camera._

_"Um, can you move the button back," Evan asked so Connor could look._

_"Why?"_

_"I didn't get a good look. But why do you want me to wear them?"_

_"You're his best friend! If you wear one, everyone will want one."_

_"He's selling pictures of me for a proft," Connor groaned._

_"Yeah, you're making money," Evan asked Jared._

_"I'm not the only 've been wristbands, T-shirts, all sorts of stuff. So I gotta move all this stuff quick before the market drops out on Connor Murphy memorabilia."_

_"Market drops out," Evan repeated, not getting it._

_"Yeah, all this Connor Murphy stuff will be over in like a week. We're at the peak right now. So will you please wear a button?"_

_Evan looked to Connor for approval. He just shrugged._

_"Fine."_

_"Yes! Thank you! So how're the Murphys?"_

_"Coping. Is there anyway we can get more emails? They keep asking for more."_

_"Just tell them the truth. I mean, what was the last thing you and Connor did before he died?"_

_"Fucked hardcore," Connor joked as he moved some of Evan's trinkets on her dresser around._

_"Um, we just laid around, mainly," Evan told Jared, unphased by Connor._

_"Boring! Yeah, we'll do some more emails After school next Wednesday."_

_"That'll be great Jared. Thanks. Say 'hi' to your Israeli girlfriend for me."_

_"Will do!"_

_..._

_A week later, Connor and Evan got a video call from Alana. Well Evan did. Connor just happened to be there again._

_"Everybody has forgotten about Connor! A week ago, the whole school was wearing wristbands, T-shirts, buttons with his face on them...people were growing closer...now he's gone. It's all gone. Completely. You were his best friend, you can't let this happen."_

_"What can I do," Evan asked. She didn't understand what Alana wanted her to do! What could she do? She could barely handle this situation herself. She would have times when she would get distracted and the stress would ease away but it would always come back. It was a constant shadow in her mind and it wouldn't fade away._

_"Maybe you can ask Zach to do something? Or maybe you guys could do something together?"_

_"Zach?" That whole situation was still bothering her. She hadn't liked the feeling that interaction gave her. It made her rather uncomfortable._

_"Zach is the perfect person to get people interested again! You guys could write something for the blog or..."_

_Alana went on and on but Evan zoned out. Connor even seemed to disappear for a second. She just started thinking about Zach which reminded her of how perfect it felt to be with Connor. She could sense her hands shaking and she suddenly wanted to cry._

_And why did Alana want her to do something so badly? Why did she care. And what in the world did she expect Evan to do. Evan of all people. So what if she knew Connor? Why didn't Alana do something?! Why was she pushing it all on Evan?! These thoughts made Evan angry and her previous tears of sadness threatening to come forth became ones of anger._

_"Evan?!"_

_"What," Evan snapped back harshly, taking both of them by surprise._

_"I can see you're upset but if we don't do something, no one will remember Connor."_

_The image of Alana vanished and left Evan staring at a blank screen. Evan felt herself boiling over._

_"What the fuck do you want me to do?!" _

_She slammed her laptop shut and tossed it aside on her bed, tears of frustration and confusion rolling down her face now._

_"You can always do what she says, go to Zach?"_

_"I can't go to Zach, Connor," Evan barked harshly. "Do you even really want me going?"_

_"Of course not. It's just like Jared said, you're too hot. Why are you even talking to Jared?" _

_Connor sat at the foot of the bed now, crossing his legs Indian style. He began playing with the polish on his nails._

_"I have no one else to talk to," Evan muttered, sniffling and pulling her knees to her chest._

_"You have me."_

_Evan looked him in the eyes._

_"It hurts to talk to you."_

_"But you do it anyway. Doesn't hurt as much as you think."_

_Evan shook her head and wiped her tears._

_"What should I do? I don't have to do anything. Since when was I a people-pleaser? I don't have to listen to Alana."_

_"You've always been a people-pleaser," Connor stated. "You've just never had anyone to please. My family is relying on you right now. And no matter how much they suck, they at least deserve some sort of rock to help them. And I hate to say it but Alana is right. People are forgetting me."_

_"Since when did you care," Evan asked in a sour tone, her voice cracking slightly. _

_"But once they've forgotten about me, you'll be next," Connor told her sadly, getting closer to her, wanting to touch her. "And now you don't have me anymore. My death was the best thing I could give you."_

_"Don't say that," Evan shouted at him. She broke down crying again. "How could you ever say that to me?! Your death was the worst thing to happen to me!"_

_Connor watched her heaving with sobs for a solid minute._

_"Evan," he mumbled, getting her attention. She could feel his warmth on her hands but he didn't touch her. "You need to make them remember me. Zach needs it, my family needs it, but most importantly you need it. No one deserves to be forgotten, but I don't want to watch that happen to you especially. Please."_

_Evan nodded. _

_"Okay."_

* * *

Evan laid in the back car seat next to/kind of on top of Connor. He had driven them out to the country and they were enjoying the quiet cool air through an open window.

"Connor, do you promise to stay with me, even if something happens to us," Evan asked suddenly.

"Of course, Pipsqueak," he said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Like, even if we break up, we'll still be best friends?"

"Evan, I would never leave you. Even if I died first."


	7. Chapter 7

**Onto a new one. **

**This is really where this story and the original musical start to take drasically different paths. From now on, not many things willl remain the same. For instance, you'll still be able to recognize "This is where Only Us would have been" but completely different events will take place.**

**Thank you and I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

_"I would love to be your vise president! No! You're right! Co-president is best!"_

_On any other occasion, Evan would roll her eyes at Alana but right now she was just glad to have a supporter. She turned to look at Jared._

_"And what about you? You could be our..."_

_"Treasurer," Alana exlaimed._

_"Yes, Treasuerer," Evan chuckle_

_Jared contemplating._

_"Sounds about right. Do you think we can squeeze 'The Connor Project' onto the old buttons or should I make new ones?"_

_Evan and Alana laughed but didn't give an answer. Evan handed them the pamphlets she made, detailing all the highlights and requirements of her plan. She would start a program focused around Connor to start a community of people to remember him and also be there to rely on each other so that no one would be forgotten. She told Alana and Jared that it was so they could show the world that everyone mattered, but really, she was just doing it because Connor told her to._

_The next step was to tell the Murphy's._

_Evan didn't really want to see them but she had Alana and Jared for support._

_Or more specifically Jared. He said he'd be her back up if anything happened with Zach. Evan had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach that Jared knew there was more to hers and Connor's relationship and that's why he was so admant on "protecting her from Zach". But then he would say the right string of words or tell the right joke and Evan would be reassured he had no clue._

_So they went to the Murphy's. Cynthia was thrilled, Larry was eventually brought on board and Zach just stared at Evan the whole time, only responding with one word answes. Evan could feel his eyes on her and it kind of rattled her._

_Jared and Alana were so excited that they started planning the first event immediately. A memorial assembly at school for Connor._

_"This can't really be happening," Connor murmured when Evan's two partners brought up the idea to the Murpy's. _

_Evan admitted to herself that she never thought they would be holding an event like this for anyone even remotely related to her. She never expected to be leading it. Well, co-leading it. _

_"Maybe the jazz band could do something," Alana suggested. Zach nodded quietly. _

_Evan could feel Jared look at her but she didn't look back. _

_"Evan, this is wonderful," Cynthia exclaimed, bringing Evan into a hug._

_"Of course," Evan mumbled, looking over Cynthia's shoulder at Connor. "I would do anything for Connor."_

* * *

Evan flinched as she watched. Something like this never happened before. Especially not to Connor. It was only the third week of the sophomore year. She cringed as Connor took another hit to the face. It was after school, she and Connor had been heading out. They always waited until the entire school was vacated until they got into his car together. He was always so afraid of them being seen and today his fears had come true.

One of the kids in their class, Michael Short (he was always made fun of because of his name) was still on campus.

"Oh wow," he had said from behind them, "Look at Evan Hansen, messing with Connor Murphy."

They both could feel their hearts drop and they stopped in their tracks. When Mike stopped tp take a breath, they continued walking away, but he kept after them. Evan so very deeply wanted him to just go away. She hated confrontation. The very idea of turning around or having him keep pestering them made her feel like throwing up.

"Are you banging him for his drugs or are you just this pussy's beard?!"

They kept walking away from him but he ran up so he was right on them.

"Hey Skank! I'm talking to you!"

Before Evan realized what was happening, Connor whirled around and punched Mike right in the nose. It only escalated from there.

Now here Evan was, watching the two go at it. She wanted to help Connor but she didn't know how. That was when she got an idea. She slipped her shoe off and flung it into Mike's head. Hard.

"The fuck?! Why you little bitch!"

He slapped her across the face, sending her tripping backwards. She'd never taken a hit like that. She was mad now. She watched as Connor grabbed Mike from the back but before he could do anything, she had kneed Mike in the crotch making him groan and fall over. Before Mike could do anything, Connor started kicking him in the side.

"Connor stop," Evan shouted when Mike stopped moving. He was still alive and still awake and didn't look nearly as bad as Connor. "Let's go, " Evan urged and she pulled Connor towards the parking lot, grabbing her shoe as she went.

...

They were in her house. He was sitting on the ottoman in the living room, covered with blood and bruises. Everything hurt.

Connor watched as Evan came out of the bathroom, first aid kit in hand.

"You didn't have to do that," she muttered as she examined Connor's face. She pushed his long brown hair out of his face, some strands getting coated in blood.

"You need to shower first," Evan told him. "You get in, I'll bring you some fresh jeans."

"What about a shirt," Connor asked sarcastically.

"I don't have any of your clean ones right now. Besides, I need to check your ribcage and back."

Connor did as he was told to and went to take a shower. Evan retrieved a towel and some of his jeans - she always had his clothing at her house, she hid them in the back of her drawers - leaving them on the toilet seat for him and put his dirty clothes in the wash. She checked the clock and the calendar. Five in the afternoon on a Tuesday. Her mom wouldn't be home until one in the morning. She had tomorrow off.

When Connor was done showering, Evan got a good glimpse at his wounds. He had bruises all over his chest, marks from kicks on his back, and his lip was busted. The skin on his right cheek, right above his eyebrow and all along his knuckles was busted open. It was clear his nose had been bleeding and bruises were beginning to form on the right side of his face.

"Oh my gosh," Evan whined as she sat him down on the ottoman again and began applying medicine to him. She could see a few of his ribs. He was so skinny. Healthy and fairly strong but skinny. She started with his face, patching the tears in the skin.

"I did have to do it," Connor grumbled to her. "I had to stand up for you."

He leaned forward, placing his head on her chest (she was on her knees next to him sitting so she was taller temporarily) and wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Not when it results in this," Evan assured him. "I felt so helpless and scared. I couldn't breathe."

She couldn't shake the feeling that if it wasn't for her, he would've been fine. Long gone. No where near the scene of the crime. If she wasn't around he would be better off.

"I can tell what you're thinking," Connor whispered. "It's not true."

He knew of her depression and her anxiety so he could practically predict her negative thoughts.

"I'm so lucky to have you, Evan. You mean the world to me and I would do anything to defend you."

He looked up at her and kissed her. She put the medicine in her hands down and placed her hands on the sides of his face. He pulled her onto his lap so she was straddling him. It was at this moment that Evan remembered that he was shirtless. All they had ever done before was kiss. This was new for her. But she liked it.

She felt one of his hands go down to her jeaned bottom and another hand slip under her shirt to the small of her back. Their kissing became faster and less innocent.

Evan could taste the iron-y blood from his busted lip and feel his hair between her fingers. She wa really enjoying herself. And he was to. He loved feeling her skin and her body weight pressed up against him and their tongues going at it. That's why he was so pissed at himself when he accidentally exclaimed:

"Ow!"

Evan pulled away, practically jumped off of him to analyze a bruise they hadn't seen on his stomach.

"Let's finish patching you up first," Evan giggled. "Then we can go to my room," she winked at him and he smirked.

"Oh my God your shirt!"

Evan looked down at her shirt and saw that there was blood all over her chest. His face must still be bleeding.

"That's one of your favourite shirts too," Connor whined.

"Don't worry about it," Evan told him as she continued wiping medicine on his lip. "It's nothing compared to how important your health is."

The next week, he gave her a gift. Her new favourite shirt.

A blue striped polo.

* * *

_She clutched her polo in her fist. She forgot Connor had it. She couldn't find it. She had left it here before... _

_Before she broke her arm._

_"Why would you do this Evan?! Why?!"_

_Evan shook her head. No more voices please. She seemed to be begging herself. _

_It was after school, the assembly was the next day. Evan wanted to come up here and remember Connor again. Her Connor, not the school's. She came up here a lot. _

_She heard footsteps coming and she stuffed the polo in her bookbag quickly. It was Cynthia. _

_"Hey Ev! You ready for your speech tomorrow?"_

_Evan's stomach dropped. That was her least favourite word. Speech. It was practically a curse in her mind, a word that should never be used. And here was Mrs. Murphy saying she was going to give one with no preparation. This was literally her worst nightmare._

_"S-speech?"_

_"Well Alana said anyone who wants to speak tomorrow can. I guess we all assumed you'd be the first to sign up."_

_Nope. Never. Not a good idea. Just refuse. _

_"Well, you see... I'm uh... speeches just aren't... my thing...um...you wouldn't want me to do that-"_

_"But of course we would! We all want to hear from you!"_

_There were those words again. We all. Meaning everyone. Meaning everyone was going to be watching, staring, judging. And she would be forced to sit up there and wait for it to be over._

_Cynthia felt her uneasiness._

_"Please, just think it over."_

_She left._

_"Connor, you know that I can't do this."_

_"You don't have to. I will never force you to do anything like that."_

_Evan looked at him and began pacing. But isn't it the right thing to do? Share her censored version of the time they went to the orchard, tell everyone that it shows how they are not alone, yada yada yada. It's exactly what they would need. _

_She stopped in her tracks. _

_"You're not actually considering this?"_

_Evan turned to Connor. He was laying on his bed. _

_"I think I am."_

_..._

_What was she thinking?! Evan breathed in deeply. She was standing in front of a podium with a microphone at school, in the auditorium, in front of everyone. And everyone was the correct term. Not Connor though. She didn't know how she felt about that. She did however feel her palms growing sweaty._

_"Good...um, Good morning faculty and students," Evan read from her very obvious cards. "I would like to share with you a story about my..." she choked on the words, "my best friend...Connor Murphy. He took me to the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard," Evan had never known that was the name of it. It was always just The Orchard. "Connor and I just talked and he...um...he shared with me that..." Evan flupped her card. "Good morning faculty and students..." she panicked, "no um..." she dropped her cards. She froze._

_She heard footsteps._

_She turned her head to see Connor coming up the steps of the stage to stand next to her._

_"I'm here," he told her firmly, with so much dedication. "You are not alone."_

_Evan didn't nod, didn't acknowledge him out loud in anyway, just turned back to the audience, straightening her back and holding her head high._

_"Connor and I just talked and he told me that no matter what he would always be with me. That even if no one else knew I existed I had him. That was the gift he gave me, the gift he gave all of us. He tells me that I'm not alone, tells me that I matter, and I'm telling you now. Because even to this day i can hear Connor telling me that he is by my side and that I am not alone."_

_Evan breathed out. _

_Applause._

_Strong, steady applause._

_When Alana told her the next day that her speech had over seventeen thousand likes, shares, whatever on Youtube, she didn't get nervous._

_Her palms didn't even sweat._


	8. Chapter 8

**This is getting hard on my thumbs! Yes I use the phone app to type everything out.**

**Also, HUGE WARNING! There are themes of sexual assault and self harm in this chapter. **

**Please be wary but still enjoy!**

* * *

_"You sure you're good on emails?"_

_Evan nodded. Jared breathed out slowly. His face was coming to Evan through her computet screen._

_"Alana and I were thinking about an auction to raise money for the orchard," Jared told her. "Maybe you could go by the Murphy's and see if they have anything?"_

_Evan swallowed her spit. She could feel her stomach churning. She was getting better with her anxiety but she tried to avoid the Murphy household as much as possible. Not only did Zach continue to force himself onto her, but the simple thought of lying anymore to those people scared her to death._

_"I know you don't particularly enjoy it, but you have to if you want to remain a strong part of The Connor Project," Jared spoke hesitantly. "Is Zach still hitting on you?"_

_"Yes." Evan reached up to rub her forehead. She had her long hair up in a ponytail and it was beginning to hurt her scalp. She took it down. Zach had started talking to her at school. Constantly just near her and around her but not in a good way. Since he'd done that to her, she was scared of being around him._

_"I've been trying to make it easy on you. I've tried doing as much pf your work as I can, I've told Alana all sorts of half truths, but I can't keep doing it. You really were his best friend. You have to do your part to make that orchard a reality."_

_Evan nodded. Jared had been so good to her. It almost made her feel bad she hadn't told him the whole truth. And he was right. She couldn't just shirk her responsibilities. After all that he'd done for her, brushing Jared off at this moment was the last thing Evan wanted to do._

_She got up and slipped her shoes on, grabbing her keys._

_"Where are you going," Jared asked._

_"The Murphy's," Evan told him. "You're right. I need to do this. For Connor."_

_Jared gave a half smile. Evan went to close her laptop._

_"Oh, wait," Jared called before she could close it. She looked at him, letting him know she was listening. "Congrats on getting your cast off."_

_Evan turned to gaze at her uncovered arm._

_"Thanks," she told Jared and shut the laptop._

_She walked toward the door, almost getting out of the house and to her car._

_"Where are you going?"_

_Evan froze. She was home. Of course she was home._

_"I have to go to Jared's."_

_"Didn't you go to Jared's last night?"_

_Evan could envision her mother behind her, arms crossed, hip jutted out. She was trying to be the strict mom. Evan didn't want to do this right now. For once her mom was home. It had to be tonight. Right now. It made her want to cry._

_"We have a Spanish project together. I might be late coming home."_

_Evan knew how much her mom hated her staying late at "Jared's house". She didn't want her daughter to become some slut._

_"You know...I saw the strangest thing on Facebook today."_

_Evan tensed. She still had yet to turn around and see what emotions her mother was portraying. But at this moment, with the way she said those words, it could be nothing good._

_"Some video," Heidi continued, not waiting for a response, "from something called The Connor Project. Have you heard of that? Because their website says that you're the president."_

_"Co-president," Evan corrected quietly._

_It was bound to happen. This was the last thing Evan wanted. Her mom would find out about her relationship with Connor, that she'd been lying to her, that she'd been spending time with the Murphy's. And if she ever found out about Zach, she would flip._

_Not like she would flip when she found out her daughter had a sexual relationship with a person she'd never heard of. Or like she would when she found out said person's death was her daughter's fault._

_"Whatever," the adult's voice became sharp. Evan had forgotten what this person really was first and foremost, her legal guardian who owned her. "The video was of you doing a speech for Connor Murpht. You said you climbed a tree together."_

_Evan's anxiety was back. Full force. It hadn't been as bad. It spiked with the whole Zach thing but now, she felt like she had never gotten better at all._

_"You told me, you didn't know Connor!" Heidi was beginning to raise her voice. "But no, he was your best friend. At least that's what you said in your speech! Turn around and look at me Evan!"_

_The teenager finally did just that. Slowly. Her mom looked worse than she expexted and she cringed. The woman's face was red and her shoulders were tense. She wasn't in her scrubs._

_"I lied. I did know him."_

_"So you broke your arm with him," Heidi demanded. "You told me that you broke it at work!"_

_"Who do you think drove me to the hospital," Evan's voice began to raise too. "Who do you think waited with me in the emergency room for three hours?! You were at work! You didn't even answer your phone. Someone had to be there for me!"_

_"I thought it was your boss! That's what you told me!"_

_Evan took a step forward, almost confidently. This was the wrong time to be confident._

_"Well I lied obviously!"_

_For every step Evan took, her mom took one step back. It felt so satisfying to Evan to have the upper hand for once._

_"Were you planning on telling me any of this?!"_

_"When would I tell you exactly?! Huh?! When are you even here?!"_

_"Well I'm here right now!"_

_One step forward on Heidi's part._

_"One night out of seven! Most people's parents try harder than that!"_

_"Lucky them!"_

_"I have to go to Jared's," Evan grumbled, turning away. She didn't want this. But it was like all her thoughts against her mom came forth._

_"I dont think I want you going anywhere."_

_But Evan didn't listen. She stormed out, hearing her mother scream after her. She didn't want to go to the Murphy's. She didn't want to turn around and go back to her mother. She sat in her car, watching the house. Her mom didn't come out after her, and no police showed up. Her mom would call the police. _

_Evan sighed. She'd sat there for twenty minutes. She started her car and left for the Murphy household._

_She had a sick feeling in her stomach, like something bad was going to happen. She credited it to the fight with her mom. Something bad had already happened so she was feeling bad. _

_Later, Evan would wish she had listened to her gut feeling and not gone to the Murphy's. If only she had turned back and gone to her mother._

_..._

_"Yeah this stuff will be great," Evan forced a smile as she brandished a baseball glove that Larry had set aside for the auction._

_There was a pile of baseball cards, gloves, signed balls. Larry was a big baseball fan. Evan remembered Connor complaining about his dad trying to force it on him. Connor was never a sports person. He was always an art person. _

_Larry told her something about him and Cynthia going out for the night, maybe a date night and she was welcome to stay._

_Evan was only kind of listening. She was really wanting to go into Connor's room and find his drawing book. He always kept it hidden, Evan hoped his family hadn't found it. _

_Evan headed into the house with Larry and watched the two Murphy parents leave. She headed upsyairs immediately, going straight to Connor's room. She left the door open. _

_The teenage girl went straight to Connor's desk. She pulled out the top drawer completely and reached into the cavity where it had been. She was relieved to find the tattered book with loose pages still there. She started from the beginning, flipping through drawings she knew so well. She felt tears in her eyes. _

_Some drawings were more intense, darker. A skull with a knife dripping green poison was one she remembered him doing on a not so good day. _

_But other times, he would draw comedic, sometimes punny pieces of what could be considered dark humor. There weren't many of those types of drawings toward the end of the book. Evan was close to the end, seeing new drawings she hadn't seen before, but she was interrupted._

_"Where did my parents go?"_

_Evan shoved the book under the bed, grateful she was on the opposite side. Hopefully he hadn't seen it. _

_She glanced at Zach as she put the desk drawer back in place. _

_"They went out for a date night," she answered blandly. She thought everyone was gone and she really didn't want to talk to Zach. He was standing by the door and she wanted to avoid looking at him. _

_"Why are you still here," he questioned slowly. _

_"Just looking through some of Connor's stuff, bringing up old memories."_

_Evan turned to leave but Zach was directly behind her, stopping her from moving. His chest was pressed into her back and she felt her breathing speed up and her palms grow sweaty._

_"Why are you so close," Evan choked out. _

_"Just relax. It's no big deal. It's only us."_

_She felt his arms wrap around her stomach, she refused to look. She wanted to scream at him, push him off of her, but all her energy and confidence were drained. He picked her up and shoved her onto the bed. _

_Now she found it in her to do something._

_"Back off," she raised her voice as he crawled onto the bed over her. She punched at him, kicked everything but it didn't seem to phase him. His hands started touching her, one of them cradling her face, wiping away her tears._

_"Relax. You're a very lucky girl," he said in a low voice. His left hand started up her shirt. "And very pretty."_

_Evan turned her head and bit down on his right hand that was still on her cheek. He recoiled and when he did, Evan pushed him off of her and moved to escape. She barely made it off the bed when he yanked her by the shirt and forced her down again, this time holding her neck down to keep her in place._

_Evan was panicking. She didn't know what to do. His hand on her throat was preventing her from taking in enough air to scream. She kept squirming and kicking and punching, trying to do everything to get loose, to stop him from doing anything to her._

_The door slammed._

_"Zach?!"_

_He was off of her. _

_"Don't move," he whispered to her as he left the room to see his parents. Evan was frozen but she wasn't going to pass up this opportunity sent from God. She ran out of the room slowing by the stairs to a brisk walk. She could hear Larry asking Zach about keys to a car but she didn't pay attention. She shoved her way past both of them, hearing questions from Larry but ignoring them. She had to get out of there. Now._

_..._

_She gor home, locked herself in her room and sobbed. She wanted Connor. His brother had tried to rape her, was having Connor back too much to ask? _

_She felt warmth around her._

_"You don't have to worry. I'm here."_

_"I do have to worry Connor!" _

_Evan looked up at him, snapping, almost screaming._

_"Of course I have to worry!" Her sobs grew worse and her voice quieted. "Of course I have to worry."_

_She could hear the screaming in her head again. It was growing louder and louder. But this time, it was all Zach. She could see his face, hear his laughter, hear the words he was saying to her._

_"Relax"_

_"It's only us."_

_She gripped her head, silently begging for it to stop. Her tears were hot and they were burning her eyes. She was in so much pain._

_She looked at her pills on her bedside table. She hadn't been taking them. She took about three or four in her hand and dry swallowed them. She wanted to dream about Connor. She wanted to make love to Connor. She wanted to be with Connor._


	9. Chapter 9

**That last chapter was hard to write. I hope you enjoyed it though. And I hope you enjoy this one.**

* * *

"Hey, Connor, is your family home?"

He gave her a confused look.

"No, why?"

"Well, maybe...we can go to your house?"

They were driving in silence now. On the way to Connor's house. They were both anxious of course but oddly calm. The idea of what they were planning to do didn't firghten them. They pulled up to Connor's house amd walked to the door, still quiet.

He unlocked the door. It seemed to take forever.

She walked inside, he followed. He locked the door, hung his keys up on the hook in the foyer.

They looked at each other and then, without warning, they were connected at the lips. Connor's arms were around her waist, feeling her sides and stomach. Their mouths moved together in a wild way but it almost seemed to form a rhythm. They wanted each other, they could both feel it.

Evan pulled away, grabbed him by the hand and dragged him quickly up the stairs and into his room. He closed the door and locked it, just in case.

They once again attached at the mouth, falling onto the bed, clothes coming off and wildly feeling each other.

...

Evan laid next to him, her head on his shoulder, and her hand resting on his naked chest, one of his hands on top of hers. With his free hand, he stroked her hair and bare shoulder. They were laying on top of his bed, over the covers, perfectly content with keeping warm by each other's body heat.

"I thouroughly enjoyed that," Connor half whispered, half chuckled, his words breaking the silence.

"Me too," Evan agreed, looking up at him. He kissed her forehead, then her cheek, then her mouth.

"My mom would kill me. She always says no sex until after marriage," Evan joked, moving her hand to Connor's stomach.

"My parents too."

"I'll have to finally meet them," Evan teased. Connor pulled out his phone. Within seconds he had a picture of his parents out.

"Meet Larry and Cynthia Murphy."

They looked nothing like them. Zach looked more like them for sure. Connor put his phone away.

"Guess we have to get married now," Connor said as he went back to holding Evan's hand.

Evan felt her heart speed up. In a good way. It was a joke, they both knew it, but they didn't hate the idea. Not at all.

"Would you even want to marry me," Evan half joked.

"Of course," Connor said without a moments hesitation. "You're smart, funny, so fucking beautiful, I mean, look at you," he gestured to her body with his free hand. "You're perfect for me and...I love you."

Evan's eyes widened. Connor had never told her he loved anyone, much less her. Was it too soon to say such a thing.

She didn't feel like it was. It felt right, like something they had known but never said. It was like pointing out an obvious fact. Why point it out if it's that painfully obvious? It was the truth. Connor wasn't saying it because he felt obligated to because they had sex. He said it because it was true. And she knew she felt the same.

"I love you too."

They stayed together the rest of the night, having sex and cuddling, and doing everything else they would usually do. It was perfect. The most perfect night. Like a dream.

* * *

_Evan cracked open her eyes. It had been a dream, just one she wished she hadn't woken up from. She remembered that night. She often thought about it. Their first time together. After that, all milestones in their relationship were ordered as to whether they were "pre-sex" or "post-sex". All the milestones and memories were all precious though._

_"You're finally awake." _

_Evan turned painfully to find Connor sitting on her bed. He gestured to her alarm clock. It was one in the afternoon. They were having lunch at school right now. _

_She remebered the pills. She was grateful and relieved she hadn't overdosed but deep down, she kind of wished she had._

_She still had to deal with The Connor Project and her mom and...Zach. Her stomach churned in fear and panic._

_"Did you dream like you wanted to," Connor continued. He could sense her fear and wanted to distract her from it._

_"I dreamed about us. On that first night. I want to go back."_

_"Sadly, time doesn't go backwards. Only forwards."_

_Evan groaned. That sounded like something her mom or her therapist would say. _

_Her head throbbed. Dehydration. She needed water. Her phone rang loudly all of a sudden, causing the pain in her head to spike. _

_She reached for it amd answered without checking the number._

_"Hello," she groaned._

_"Evan?! Where are you?!"_

_Alana._

_"I'm at home. Something happened last night." It wasn't completely wrong and hopefully it would get Alana off her back._

_"Something so important that you couldn't come to school so we could get the stuff for the auction?! Evan, we need that stuff ASAP."_

_Fuck._

_"I forgot about that stuff. I left it all at the Murphy's but it's set aside for when we need it. I just need to go get-"_

_"What is your deal Evan?"_

_Evan breathed in slowly, looking painfully towards Connor. There were a lot of "deals". _

_"Evan, the Kickstarter deadline is a week from now and you are thousands of miles away. You haven't been contributing at all._

_"Things have been happening," Evan felt herself growing more agitated. She didn't really want to deal with Alana right now._

_"What things?"_

_"None of your damn business!" Evan gasped at herself. "I'm so sorry. How much money do we have to raise?"_

_"Seventeen. Thousand. Dollars." Alana was pissed. Evan could tell. It was bad. "I'm putting the emails between you and Connor online. To keep people engaged."_

_No big deal. They were all fake anyway._

_"Do whatever you want Alana."_

_Evan hung up without waiting for a response. She didn't care. She was in pain and she needed water. Her phone rang again. Evan answered it harshly._

_"What," she barked._

_"Whoa, whoa, it's just me," Jared's voice came through the other side. It was better than Alana but Evan still didn't want to deal with anyone._

_"What is it Jared?"_

_"I'm just really surprised you would have actually done it and just wanted to let you know that Zach is telling everyone."_

_Evan's eyes widened. She snapped her head toward Connor, he looked concerned. Evan almost forgot he was there._

_"What are you talking about?!"_

_"You slept with Zach right? He's telling everyone that you're super fiesty and he's showing people where you bit him. I thought he was a creep, I didn't think you'd actually-"_

_"I didn't sleep with him!"_

_Silence from Jared._

_"Evan, what's going on," Connor demanded as he came to kneel in front of her. _

_"Then who bit him," Jared asked._

_"I did," Evan told him quickly._

_"But if you didn't sleep with him, why did you bite him?"_

_Connor shook his head vigorously._

_"Don't tell him!"_

_Evan breathed in. Jared wouldn't tell anyone. Right? Connor was still shaking his head._

_"Because...because he took me by surprise and that was my gut reaction." Not a total lie._

_"Oh. Well he's telling all his friends you had sex. You should probably get to school to shoot these rumors down. Just thought I'd tell you."_

_He hung up. Evan felt her hand shaking as she dropped her phone. Sweaty palms._

_She looked at her pill bottle. It would be so easy..._

_"Evan...not again," Connor mumbled. "Not after last time..."_

_"_How could you do this to me?!"

_Evan got up, and went to get a drink and Connor left._

_..._

_That evening, Evan forced herself back to the Murphy household. She needed to grab that stuff for the auction. _

_She texted Cynthia that she was coming over and recieved: "Amazing! We can't wait!"_

_Which was unusual but not completely unheard of._

_She knocked on the door and Zach opened it. He gave her a terrifying look. It was a combination of wanting, anger and an emotion Evan couldn't pinpoint. If she could put it in words, it would be "I got you now"._

_"I'm here for the auction stuff," she mumbled as she pushed past him._

_"I'll get it," he offered. "You go sit in the living room."_

_Evan rolled her eyes. The sooner she could get out the better so she didn't complain. She heard talking from the living room._

_"Evan? We're in the living room having a glass of wine. Come join us."_

_She did as she was told but stopped dead in her tracks when she reached the room. Her mother was sitting on the couch, drinking wine with the Murphy's._

_"I didn't realize Evan was joining us," Heidi spoke softly into her wine. _

_"Well neither did we," Cynthia clarified. "She said she needed some stuff for the auction so since she was coming by anyway, why not stay for dinner?"_

_"Dinner," Evan asked quietly. Her stomach had dropped long ago and she was anxiously tugging on her shirt._

_A box slammed right down next to her feet and Zach pulled her in for a side hug. Evan flinched. _

_"It's so nice to have you, Mrs. Hansen."_

_Evan was panicking. Zach plus her mom. This was a living nightmare._

_"Come sit," Larry invited and Zach practically had to push Evan into a chair. That's how frozen she was._

_"We were just talking about how secretive you and Connor were. So sneaky," Cynthia laughed at her own comment._

_"We actually invited you here for a reason, Mrs. Hansen," Zach said._

_"Heidi, please," the woman corrected. Evan knew how much her mom hated being Mrs. Hansen. _

_"Heidi, right. Anyway..."_

_He nodded at Larry and Cynthia._

_"Well, Zach happened to mention the other day that it was clear that Evan was having some financial difficulties with college."_

_Evan had never told anyone that. No one except Connor and he definitely wouldn't tell his brother. How did he find out? __With the way he was looking at her, it was no doubt that it was something not so honest._

_"Anyway, Larry and I came to a decision. We were very fortunate to have put a large amount of money aside for our son to go to college but..." Cynthia choked a little, "but clearly that's not an option anymore. So we would be honored if we could give it to Evan."_

_Evan and her mom locked eyes. Evan shook her head "no" a little, but then stopped to avoid seeming rude._

_"Wow..." Heidi said, turning back to the Murphy's. "This is such a huge and very generous offer. But sadly I'll have to decline. I know I'm certainly not that comfortable with accepting such a...generous offer and I know Evan isn't either. So if you'll excuse us, I'm sure we should be getting that big box of stuff back home as soon as possible."_

_And they left. The Murphy's protested, obviously but Evan was grateful for her mom's authority. _

_The ride home was silent. Evan realized it. A generous offer. A generous offer that was instigated by Zach. The guy trying to screw her. Was it a "I do something big for you and you sleep with me" deal? Evan could feel parts of her burning. The parts where he had touched her. She curled up in her seat, pulling her knees to her chest._

_When they got home, her mom turned to her angrily._

_"What the hell is going on?! Who are those people? Your best friend's parents? I never met him, I've never met them! And their other son? He was saying you two were together-"_

_"We're not together," Evan interrupted loudly. "He...he wants us to be. But I don't like him like...that."_

_Her mom didn't seem any less mad. She still wanted an answer._

_"They're not your family! So I'm sorry that I'm not good enough or whatever but-"_

_"Mom it's not like that," Evan whimpered. _

_"Then what is it?!"_

_"I was friends with Connor! Not them! I don't..." Evan couldn't continue. She was on the verge of tears._

_"Well good for you, Evan."_

_And her mom was gone. Evan sat down on the couch and cried. She felt her phone vibrate. It was a message from Alana._

_"You're with Zach?! Do you know what people are saying about you? You've been way too out of it, your emails make no sense, and now you're sleeping with your best friend's brother after he died? This has gone too far Evan. I'm cutting you from the Connor Project."_

_And just like that, it was over. Everything Evan had that seemed to be making some sense in her life, was gone. Her mom hated her, she had been almost raped, and the Connor Project, the one last chance she had to do right by the love of her life, was taken away from her._

_"I can't do this. I'm done."_

_"You can't just stop now," Connor told her._

_"What choice do I have?!"_

_"What about my parents?"_

_He was behind her, leaning over the couch so he could look at her profile._

_"I can't keep lying to them about you. They can't know what you really thought."_

_"That lie is all that's keeping them together."_

_"Since when did you care about them?!"_

_The question silenced them both._

_"I can't keep going over there. Associating with them. Not after Zach."_

_"You can't walk away from what you've made yourself into."_

_"I'm ready to be done with it! I can just walk away and everything will be fine!"_

_"If you really believe that, then why are you sitting here talking to yourself? Again?"_

_The ugly truth. She knew it wasn't really him. And it hurt._

_"How did you break your arm Evan?"_

_The question took her by surprise._

_"I fell. You know that."_

_"Really? Is that what happened?"_

_"I was..." Tears. "I lost my grip and... I fell."_

_"Did you fall or did you let go?"_

_The truth. It washed back over her. Every sense, every emotion, every word._

_"_How could you do this to me?!"

"Here you go!"

"Goodbye Evan."

_"I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"_

_He wrapped his arms around her._

_"It was my fault!" She sobbed hysterically. Her breathing wracked her body and she was shaking beyond control. "I did it," she screamed. "I killed Connor Murphy!"_


	10. Chapter 10

**WARNING! Themes of suicide (more so than usual) and self harm!**

**Please enjoy.**

* * *

It had been a bad day. Her mom was supposed to have stayed home with her, but she had decided that overtime was more important. Heidi wasn't even supposed to be working. She had called her dad for the first time in forever. He didn't recognize her voice. When he realized it was her, he told her that he couldn't talk because he had to take care of his newborn son. She had gotten fired from her summer job at the state park. She had been so excited about it too. Doctor Sherman said it would help a lot. Evan was fired four weeks in.

She hadn't thought of Connor till she made up her mind. She wanted to go to the orchard. She walked there. It was really far and her feet were killing her by the end of it. But it seemed right to go there for some reason. When she was almost there, she got a text from Connor.

It just said "hey".

Evan could see the fence.

She had texted back: "Thanks for that day at the orchard. It meant a lot. I love you."

She hadn't thought much of it. It was just a text.

Her phone fell out of her hand when she climbed the fence. She didn't care and for some reason she left it.

The tallest tree. It remained vivid in her mind. When she found it, she just started climbing. It was as if it was in her instinct. It was what she needed to do but she didn't know why.

She was almost to the top but there was a branch that was really hard to reach. This was it. The point where she was in life. She was almost to the top, but it was too hard. Why couldn't it be easy? Why wasn't anything in the world easy? Did it really matter? Did she have to keep climbing? A single tear streamed down her face. She didn't want to keep going.

So she let go.

It didn't kill her.

She just broke her arm.

Connor came ten minutes later. The ride out there was about twenty. He had her phone in one hand and his in the other. The tears on his face made it clear that he knew what she had wanted to do, even if she didn't plan it that way.

He crashed to his knees next to her.

"How could you do this to me?!"

He had screamed it so loud that it had echoed. He was beyond angry. She had never seen him like this.

He took her to the hospital and broke up with her afterwards.

* * *

She had to write the letters to herself every day. Every day, she took stronger drugs in bigger doses. Because she wasn't okay.

Connor had broken up with her because of what she'd done to him. If he had lost her that day, he probably wouldn't have been around much longer. By doing what she did, she had singlehandedly hurt him more than anyone else.

She saw him around. Maybe at the drug store. She could see the marks on his arms that he had tried to conceal with bracelets or sleeves. Anyone else wouldn't have noticed. But she did. It tore her apart. Had she done that?

Every day, she wanted more and more to finish the job. Finish what should have happened at that tree. Because every day, her mother drew further away, and every day her anxiety got worse, and every day, she saw less and less of Connor. Her coping mechanism. The love of her life. He had said he wanted to marry her. Did he still want that? Did he still love her? Or had she damaged him so much to the point he hated her?

She looked at their pictures every night. Every selfie, every picture of him sleeping on her bed, every night they spent on his car staring at the stars.

It was over.

They were over. And she didn't want to handle that.

* * *

She stood miserably with her sharpie and her bare cast. It was before school. She listened to Jared laugh about her fake cast story. He compared her to an acorn. He began telling her about his summer and his Israeli girlfriend when she saw him.

Connor looked exactly the same as he always did. Or always did around Evan. Jared obviously hadn't caught on yet.

"Hey, Connor! I'm loving the new look! Real school shooter shic."

Connor stopped and turned to look at Jared but his eyes slid onto Evan. She looked pleadingly at him, begging him silently to say something, anything.

Jared mistook Connor's silence as intimidation.

"I'm just kidding man, it was a joke."

Connor's attention snapped back to Jared.

"Yeah no hilarious. Can't you tell I'm laughing? Am I not laughing hard enough," Connor deadpanned.

"You're a freak," Jared mumbled and ran away as quickly as possible. Connor stared at Evan a few seconds more. She expected a "hi" or a "fuck off". Either one would give her some form of closure. He either hated her or he didn't.

But he didn't say anything. He just turned and stalked away. And that was it for Evan. She couldn't keep doing this. So she did the last thing she thought she would do.

"What the hell, Connor," she screamed after him. He turned sharply. He noticed the people beginning to look but she didn't.

"Evan..." he mumbled.

"You can't expect me to keep doing this! After four years and this is it?!"

"Evan," he spoke louder, walking toward her. He saw the people muttering, probably about Evan and he was starting to panic. What were they saying about her? He needed her to quiet down.

"After everything you said, everything we've done! Please don't do this to me. We can fix things!"

"Enough, Evan." He was in front of her now, inches away.

"It's not enough," Evan insisted. "You know that I love-"

"I said enough!" He shoved her in the shoulders as hard as he could, pushing her down, and then storming away.

Evan could hear Zach and feel him help her up, but her eyes were fixated on Connor's back. He looked back once but turned around sharply, turning a corner to get to class.

The bell rang but Evan didn't even pay attention.

* * *

She was typing a letter.

A letter for Doctor Sherman. Her real feelings. She didn't mean for it to happen.

**Dear Evan Hansen:**

**It turns out, this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because...why would it be? **

**Oh I know. Because of that one person. My blade of grass to hang onto. The only man I've ever loved. Just thinking about his name hurts. All my hope is pinned on him. He doesn't love me. After what he did today, he made it clear that he absolutely doesn't.**

**I wish that everything was different. I wish I was a part of...something. I wish anything I said mattered to anyone. Nobody would notice if I just disappeared tomorrow.**

**Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,**

**Me.**

She hit print without thinking. She should've thought. She took a few deep breaths. Evan reached into her bag and pulled out her pill bottle. She didn't have time to take them that morning so she just brought them with her. She had removed the label on it so no one could tell what exactly they were. She didn't want to be suspended. She swallowed one.

"Nobody has signed your cast."

Her heart stopped.

She turned.

Connor.

"Do you have a sharpie?"

Evan nodded and handed it to him. Watching him write his name in big letters made her the happiest she'd been in months.

He stood back and smiled at it. Then he looked at her and his face fell. He looked guilty.

"I'm so sorry about earlier. They...they were talking about you. I didn't want that."

Evan sighed.

"It's in the past."

His shoulders dropped in relief, he smiled and pulled her into his arms.

"Connor, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

"It's...been hard. But it's been harder not having you."

She hugged him back as hard as she could. And she was never letting go again. This was it. What she'd wanted. All her pain seemed to be lifted off of her. Everything was okay again. The way it should be.

"Oh, I grabbed this off the printer for you."

Evan's stomach dropped. She needed that back now. That could be detrimental.

"Oh yeah, just an assignment, thingy," she said quickly reaching for it.

"Really? For what," he eagerly began to read.

"No Connor, it's for my therapist!"

Too late. His face grew dark. He looked up at her.

"What the fuck, Evan."

"No Connor, it's not! That was earlier," she was desperately fumbling for words. She just needed to explain it.

"You...you're still thinking like this, after everything!?"

"No, I'm not!"

"Then you...you did this on purpose."

His mind was made up. His face looked defeated as if his soul was shattered. It broke her heart.

"No, Connor! Dammit that's not it! You- you're being stupid! Just let me explain and-"

"You think I'm stupid? Stupid, druggy Connor is freaking out over nothing!"

He took a step towards her, crumpling the letter in his hand. He was about to cry. She could tell. She needed to knock some sense into him.

"Yes! It's nothing!"

"Nothing?! Nothing that the only person I've ever loved has not only tried to kill herself but did it without even thinking about me or talking to me or trying to fix anything? Or maybe that she knew I would find a letter to bring it all back after I put myself out there to try to fix things? Is that nothing?!"

Silence.

His tears were pouring down his face. His face was red and his nose was starting to snot. He suddenly became deadly calm. It was if a lightbulb had gone off in his mind, like he suddenly had clarity.

"Give me your pills, Evan."

She was startled but only for a moment. Why would he ask for them? She shook her head to tell him no. He took a threatening step towards her.

"Connor, no! What do you want with these?!"

"Does it matter?!"

"Of course it does! Who knows what you'll do with them!"

"What, I'll do what you tried to do?!"

Evan was shocked. She yelled at him, "you want to die?!"

"I need something to get high off of, I'm suffering from anxiety, tell yourself anything you want to but just give me the fucking pills!"

His hand was outstretched. Shaking.

He was being so dumb. So irrational. If he would've just listened to her! They had been making up, things were going good! Or better at least. She was mad. If she hadn't been, maybe she would've known better than to curse under her breath and reach into her bag angrily.

"Here you go!" She had screamed it. She could feel her own tears on the way. She launched her pills at him as hard as she could. He caught them in one hand and turned to leave.

"Goodbye, Evan."

She never saw him again.

A few days later, his parents came to talk to her. They had her letter. Their son had killed himself.

He had overdosed on unknown prescription pills.


	11. Chapter 11

**The last chapter. Please enjoy!**

* * *

_Her phone buzzed. It was a Saturday. Who in the world could be texting her? Evan checked her phone. It was Mrs. Murphy. The family wanted to see her and talk to her about "important matters". Evan could tell this wasn't going to be good. It could be about any number of things Evan didn't want to talk about._

_But for some reason, Evan felt she needed to go, even though she really didn't want to. Not to mention, Mrs. Murphy wasn't one to give up. If Evan didn't go over there, Cynthia would track her down. _

_So Evan put on her blue polo, pulled her hair into a ponytail, and mentally prepared for what she knew wasn't going to be a pleasant visit._

* * *

_Larry, Cynthia and Zach were seated around the table. The same seats they were in when Evan ate dinner here the first time. _

_"Have a seat, Evan."_

_She did so. She felt like she was about to get lectured._

_"We just have some questions," Cynthia clarified. So it wasn't a lecture but an interrogation. This was not good._

_"Why are you leaving the Connor Project," Larry asked. He seemed genuinely puzzled. That was a surprise from him._

_"I need some time off. It's too much for me to deal with along with keeping my grades up."_

_Cynthia and Larry nodded. They seemed to understand._

_"Um..." Mrs. Murphy was playing with her fingers, something Evan knew very well to mean nervousness. "We wanted to ask...Who is the person Connor talks about in his letter? And is he responsible for Connor's death?"_

_Not what Evan expected. How could she even answer this? There was no way she could. They thought Connor was gay and the guy broke his heart. That was only sort of true. But how could she tell them that it was her? That she killed Connor? _

_"I- I don't know... anyone who-"_

_"Okay, I have a question." All eyes turned to Zach. His arms were crossed and he was leaning back in his chair. He brushed some hair out of his eyes. "You're pretty clever, Evan. You even had me convinced." What was he talking about? Did he find something out? "You didn't really know Connor did you?"_

_"What? Zach don't be ridiculous, " Cynthia laughed._

_"Do you know how easy it is to make fake emails? And Connor's letter was typed. Anyone could've written it."_

_The family went silent. Evan didn't know how to feel. They couldn't be entertaining this ridiculous idea._

_"You two don't honestly believe that Connor actually cared as much about us as Evan is saying, do you? The Connor in the emails isn't the real Connor -"_

_"He's right Cynthia, " Larry cut in._

_"No, no. That's not the truth."_

_"Of course it is! Connor was-"_

_"Connor wasn't what you think he was-"_

_"He was a bad kid!"_

_They were screaming over each other. Yelling about what Connor was and whether or not Evan was lying. She could hear the trash they were saying about him. And she hated it._

_"Be quiet!"_

_The family was startled by the usually soft spoken girl screaming so loudly._

_"Evan, did you lie?" _

_Zach had that same emotion on his face. The same one he had when he opened the door that day that Evan couldn't quite pinpoint. She knew what it was now._

_He felt triumphant. Like he had won. _

_But he hadn't._

_"Yes," Evan told them. "But not like he says."_

_Zach's face fell. How does that feel, bitch. _

_"What do you mean," Larry demanded. _

_"I did know Connor, " Evan told them confidently. "But everything else was a lie. He hated you. All of you. Those emails were fake. He deleted our real ones because he wanted to keep me a secret from you because he didn't want you guys ruining what he considered to be the best part of his life."_

_Evan felt the urge to cry but she refused to. There'd been too much crying. _

_"And you know what, Connor wasn't gay, so stop thinking that he was. And there was a good solid year where he didn't get high at all so stop using that as an excuse for his bad behavior. He acted the way he did because he hated you guys."_

_Cynthia and Larry were in shock. Zach wasn't so convinced. _

_"He said he was gay in his letter," the teenage boy scoffed._

_"I wrote that letter," Evan's voice cracked. She might actually cry now. "It was an assignment for my therapist. The "he" in the letter was Connor."_

_She was breaking down now. All her confidence was gone. Words were tumbling from her mouth faster than she could control them. _

_"We had been together for years." Her stomach hurt. She wanted to throw up. "But I had done something horrible and it hurt him and he broke it off. He had tried to make up with me that first day of school. But he found my letter and he..."_

_She was bawling now. She was unable to speak but they got the point. _

_"I- I loved Connor," she managed to say, "more than anyone else in t-the world."_

_Cynthia and Zach left in a hurry, escaping into the garage. _

_"Please leave," Larry mumbled and then followed his wife and son._

_Evan was about to when she remembered something. _

_The sketchbook. The last piece of her Connor she had. She ran up stairs and grabbed it, stuffing it in her shirt and then got out of that house as fast as she could._

* * *

_The Murphy's never reached out again. Zach never tried to touch her or even speak to her again. She was grateful to be back in the background. She could be alone by herself. _

_Alana ignored her for the rest of her days. The orchard got fixed up but without Evan, the Connor Project died rather quickly. _

_Jared said hi to her sometimes. He even ate lunch with her one time. That had been fun. _

_She had been thinking about all this while at the orchard. His orchard. Their orchard. Her back was against the tallest tree, Connor's sketchbook was in her lap. She wanted to look through it. She hadn't gotten the chance to reach the end yet. _

_This was Connor. Right here in her lap. She began looking through it. _

_She hadn't seen Connor since the conversation about her arm. She missed him sometimes but she acknowledged that it was probably better for her mental health this way. Still, she missed the real Connor every day. She thought about him every night._

_What killed her was that he died hating her and thinking she hated him. She lifted her head until the back of it hit the tree. _

_She couldn't look through this book. It still hurt to much. She went to close it, but she saw some writing that caught her eye. It was in pen towards the back of the book. Her name. _

_She flipped to that page. It was a drawing of her. It was pretty good. Her name was written about it in Connor's usual handwriting. The date next to it suggested that it was drawn a few days after they broke up. The next page was another one of her, only a few days later._

_Evan kept flipping pages. They were all drawings of her, each more detailed and more beautiful than the last. All of them dated either within a few days of each other or one day after the other. She was flipping so fast, she hardly noticed she'd reached the last page._

_It was her. A picture of her smiling a huge smile, her eyes squeezed shut. She looked so happy. It was the most intricate of all the drawings, it looked exactly like her, as if he'd memorized every line of her face._

_The date above it made her choke. It was the day he killed himself. _

_Her attention was drawn to writing at the bottom._

**Hey, Evan. **

**I'm sorry for everything I've done. I love you and I always will.**

_"I'm sorry Connor," Evan whispered. "I'm so sorry. I love you! I love you! I love you! **I love you!"**_

_She cried for a few minutes. He deserved at least that. But she had decided in that moment that she was only ever going to cry for a few minutes._

_Connor was dead. It was her fault and she would never move on from that. But she could live with it._

_And she would live with it. Until the day she saw Connor again._


End file.
